Helium Insanity
by Schemergirl
Summary: Our favourite band of misfits are stuck in yet another situation, involving everyone's favourite element. Chapter 15: A confluence... and people smirk a lot. Rated T to be safe.
1. Helium Insanity

Disclaimer: if I owned it, would I be sitting here writing this?

**Helium Insanity**

"Check mate."

Cloud and Vincent were playing chess in Tifa's new bar in Kalm. This was unusual because of two things: one, Vincent somehow left his coffin, and two, it was Cloud. Playing _chess. _Apparently, Vincent didn't care. He had already won six times.

"But how?!" Cloud wondered aloud, scratching the back of his head.

"My rook was right in front of your king."

Tifa, who was listening (or should it be _eavesdropping?_) over the whole thing, decided to speak up before this turned into a fully-fledged fight. (Try saying_ that _one five times quickly)

"Vincent, what _are_ you doing out of your coffin?" Cloud scratched his head again. "Cloud, have you got nits or something?" she added.

Vincent cleared his throat so that everyone's attention was on him. Oh, the drama.

"You see, the ghost of Hojo talked to me. He told me that…that…"

"What did he tell ya, Vince?" Cid, who just came in, said.

He paused for full dramatic effect. "I am Sephiroth's father."

Tifa broke the silence. "Don't you just hate it when The Authors make Vinnie confess that in that dramatic way?"

"Yeah," Aerith said.

"Wait… what the &!£?" Cid swore.

"The ghost of Hojo told me that since _popular_ people like _me,_" Aerith primped and shot a smirk in Tifa's direction, "shouldn't be waltzing around in the Lifestream, so by an amazing plot twist that nobody knows much about… here I am!"

Tifa didn't look too happy. "Popular? In whose books?"

"Cloud's, of course."

The guys sensed a catfight.

Suddenly, something moved in the shadows. Vincent saw it and expertly threw a knife at the something. The something turned out to be the Great Ninja Princess (or so she says) Yuffie.

"Vinnie, that almost hit!" she whined.

"Well guess that leaves Red, Reeve and Barett," Cloud stated. At the teams questioning glances, he added, "Everyone seems to be turning up by unexplainable plot twists, so when are they showing up?" Everyone was dumbstruck by the reason in that assumption. Reason and Cloud, two things that shouldn't be mixed. (Rather like beer and wine)

"They aren't coming," said a disembodied voice.

"Who sneaked into my bar?!" Tifa jumped up from a bar seat and picked up a broom, "I'm armed!"

"Oh, it's just the ghost of Hojo, who can't come back like Seph and I did because he's a mean ba-"

"Sephiroth's back?" Everyone, distressed, asked while trying to overlook the fact that Aerith had almost sworn.

"Of course he is."

_A few minutes of "How can it be?" and "WHY?" later…_

The group of misfits were wandering around the town square of Kalm, looking for Sephiroth under any loose rocks and in dark alleyways even though it was four PM, just because Cloud said so and they had gotten used to following his stupid orders where Sephiroth was concerned.

"&$£, he isn't here…" Cid was getting really annoyed with this.

_I could have been in Rocket Town, sexually harassing Shera and drinking $!& herbal tea, but nooooooo, I'm somehow stuck in $!& Kalm with a bunch of losers on a $& quest for a !!& schizophrenic who's obsessed with his mommy…_

Cid was interrupted out of his thoughts by the-now disturbingly familiar- disembodied voice of Hojo's ghost.

"He isn't here…"

Vincent's eyes flashed. "Well, you aren't helping!"

"Ah, Valentine… my favourite subject… how are things?"

"I'm glad I killed you!" Everyone including Vincent were getting freaked out that Vincent was having a conversation with a disembodied voice, and even more so when he drew his Death Penalty.

"Manners Valentine… Lucrecia here wouldn't want to see you losing your cool, would she?"

"She's there?" Vincent made a mental note to kill Hojo when he got to the Lifestream.

"Yes… excuse us, we have to go, we have a ahem biological experiment to attend to…" Hojo's voice paused, as if mentally debating as to revealing more. "Go to the Kalm library."

"Kalm library…" Vincent put the Death Penalty back in place. "What are you waiting for, let's go!"

As Vincent walked off, the band of outcasts thanked the Planet that Vincent hadn't fully understood what Hojo meant about biological experiments with Lucrecia. Bullet wounds from _that_ gun are fatal.

_The library…_

There appeared to be something going on in the library. Cloud walked to the desk next to the door and asked the (rather attractive) librarian.

"A talented new children's author is giving a reading of his book," she smiled and raised her eyebrows suggestively at Cloud behind her emo glasses. "Now, you can get a library card if you give me your phone num-"

"No thanks."

The team manoeuvred through the aisles upon aisles of full-up bookcases, until they got to the back o the building. There, there was a small crowd of young children sitting on the floor around a chair, waiting for this author. Tifa thought she saw Marlene there, but decided not to talk to her unless _she _did first. The girl was worse than Yuffie on a caffeine-and-sugar high, at times. However…

"TIFA! AND HER FRIENDS!"

Yup, Tifa thought, the girl's on a high.

Some baby-talk, and on Vincent's part, mental scarring of innocent minds, later, the children finally settled down as the author came, holding his book, and sat on the chair.

Aerith looked him up and down. Not bad, she thought. Pretty bloody tall, long brown and silver streaked hair, BLACK sunglasses bigger than a scuba mask… she liked that kind of guy.

"Hello children and adults alike" he said in a freakishly high-pitched, squeaky voice, "I'm glad to present to you my story, 'The Girl Who Had an Obsession with Helium Balloons, And How It Led to Her Downfall'."

The members of Avalanche glanced at each other and shrugged. What was an insane kid's story after that whole… _thing_ with Sephiroth and Meteor? They settled down to listen.

"Once upon a time," the author started in his disturbing tone, "there was this really hot guy who deserved to rule the world, but then this emo got in the way so he killed his Mary-Sueish girlfriend, then this emo got an identity crisis and, along with his pet vampire, killed this scientist who was supposedly Hot Guy's father, while Hot Guy had some insane alien who happens to be his mother talking in his head…. Blab la…so then the Snowmen or whatever they are kill Hot Guy, who gets the Mary-Sueish bitch on his case in the Lifestream, and the this idiot called Zack thinks its funny to inject helium in my veins while I'm sleeping… so then I put him in solitary confinement and came back to life with a plot twist… the end."

"Wow… that was so moving," Marlene said.

"The gorgeous prose…" Tifa and Aerith added, weeping and hugging each other.

"The $"£& deep introspective $"£$& elements and sociopath issues of Hot &!"$£ Guy…" Cid contributed, wiping away the tear that would kill his image.

"The clueless emo…" Cloud added cluelessly.

"…The tragic drug abuse and reincarnation themes," Vincent finished.

"A masterpiece!" everyone said together.

"…..Thank you. So children, what's the moral of the story?" the author picked a kid with a bowl cut and an overbite who was waving his hand in the air enthusiastically. "Yes?"

"Don't talk to the aliens in your head."

"That is… a valid point, Bugs Bunny kid." The author ran his hand through his long, straight hair.

The wig came off. But you'd think someone would notice a guy with really long silver hair and connect him with Sephiroth. They didn't, and Sephiroth gave a sigh of relief…. That is, until Hippie Queen came up to him, blushing.

Great, now what? He thought.

"I-I was deeply moved by your story, mister," she started off innocently, "AndIthinkyourreallyhotandohhellijustwannakissyounownowcosureallyturnmeon, youandyoursqueakyvoice!"

Sephiroth didn't know what to make of this. What had Hippie Queen said? She was in the way of his master plot again! He would have to kill her more slowly this time. "I'm sorry, what-"

But before he could finish this, Hippie Queen had pulled off his sunglasses and started kissing him.

"AH, GERROFF!"

It didn't go down too well.

Especially when everyone realised it was the Great General and Helium Addict Sephiroth.


	2. In Which a Plot is in Danger of Forming

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue.

A/N: Thanks to anyone who reviewed! Namely, Kitty is master. Glad you liked it. Cookie for you.

This one's a bit shorter.

**In Which a Plot is in Danger of Forming**

There was silence. Nobody moved. Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

A tumbleweed.

The silent silence was broken by the sound of a random helium balloon popping.

This made the children scream and effectively brought all the…grown-ups, for lack of better term, into the lovely feeling called panic.

"Sephiroth's here!" Vincent whispered, because when you're Vincent you don't do or say anything that would destroy the whole 'I'm too depressed to be alive' thing.

"Who am I? Who are you? Is this real?" Cloud asked Tifa.

"THE CHILDREN! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!" Aerith shrieked, using too many exclamation marks and deafening anyone who was not deaf before.

"Yes. I am back. And…. _I have a plot,_" Sephiroth smirked, not being affected by Aerith's screaming. Being stuck in the Lifestream with someone usually does that to you. You learn to ignore them _and _annoy them. Simultaneously. Being dead rocks just 'cos of that, Sephiroth thought.

Of course, his squeaky, helium-and-mako enhanced voice didn't add to the desired bad-ass bishie-looking-to-destroy-mankind effect. But that is besides the point.

"Oh no, not one of these &&( _plots _again, you &&&&&&,"Cid

bitched.

"No cussing! Think-,"Aerith hit him with her rod, "of-," _Thud_, "the-," _Thud, _"CHILDREN!" _THUD. Crunch. Snap!_

"OH &&&&&, YOU &&!"

Aerith got that funny sadistic look in her eye. It reminded Yuffie of materia. It reminded Cloud of squirrels. It reminded Sephiroth of the time she smiled after he had impaled her. That, he thought, was unexpected, to say the least.

Time passed. It was too quiet.

"Ahem, I said… _I have a plot. _Doesn't anyone care?" Sephiroth pouted, not used to being ignored. You wouldn't either if you were the greatest soldier of all time and a megalomanical schizophrenic who had his mother living in his head until recently.

"It is too early on for exposition. That usually happens much later when the villain is frustrated from the misled attempts at comprehension made by the protagonist," Vincent said, using up his word count for the next century. But not in _my _fic.

"Wow… long… words… I am shocked by your intelligence and beauty, and since _I _am a sixteen year old hyperactive ninja, and _you_, an immortal, depressed, Jekyll-and-Hyde type, I think we're meant to be! Vincent, marry me and give me children!" Yuffie confessed, having been urged on by some _intriguing _Yuffentine fan fiction.

"….." Vincent's talent at pronouncing dots came in handy sometimes, and he thanked Shiva for said talent as he edged away from the kleptomaniac who was trying to invade his personal…space.

"DOESN'T ANYONE CARE ABOUT MY GENIUS PLOT?" Oh, the things evil villains go through.

When no one answered, Sephiroth decided to take the initiative.

"Fine, but just so you know, my plot involves avenging Hojo, who revealed to me that he is…was…is? WHATEVER, that he is-was my father," Seph pointed the Masamune at Vinnie, "YOU KILLED MY FATHER!"

Vincent sensed a tug of regret. His son, accusing him of killing the man who had destroyed both their lives. He also sensed some dramatic impulse coming on. Hojo's disembodied inside his head urging him to act upon that impulse wasn't helping either. And, of course, there was also the huge sword impaled in his abdomen, which always was a good catalyst for anything.

"I did not kill your father."

Pause. Perfect for the dramatic tension, Vincent thought.

"Lu---Sephiroth. I _am_ your father."

Double pause.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

A/N: I could_ not _resist the Darth Vader quote. Lol. Next chappy: more AeriSeph goodness. I do not have anything against Yuffentine, but I don't advocate it, either, though I know loads of peeps _luuuuuuuurve _it.

Please review! Don't mind flames, but criticism over those any day!


	3. MWAHAHA

Disclaimer: Once more. I. Don't. Own. It.

A/N: tnx to the reviewers!

**DNA Confusion**

A week later, Sephiroth looked around the waiting room and again reminded himself why he hated hospitals. Disturbing memories involving Mako tests and Hojo came to mind. But his curiosity caught him out: he had to know his parentage.

Nearby, Vincent was trying hard not to laugh. Yes, _Vincent. _ He knew he wasn't Sephiroth's father, but, as his thoughts told him:

_Emergency treatment for a potentially fatal sword injury: 3000 Gil._

_Bribing Yuffie so she'll leave me alone: 9000 Gil._

_A DNA test: 1000 Gil._

_The look on Sephiroth's face when I made my dramatic 'confession': Priceless._

The others had gone out for a bit, as Aerith and Yuffie were feeling sick looking at all the posters on the wall displaying such things as the circulatory system and the skeleton.

_Tifa's probably buying everyone drinks. Without me. Probably on purpose, _Vincent thought, remembering that one time that it had looked like he was staring at her… inappropriately.

"I didn't mean to!" he had told her, "I just happened to be looking there and had gotten absorbed into my thoughts! …that didn't come out right, did it?"

Ah, the good old days.

Meanwhile, Sephiroth was having a near-breakdown.

_Why me?_

The breakdown came from the memory of a crush he'd had a while ago- _on Vincent_. He'd spent some time in denial- after all, who isn't attracted to the tall, dark, bad-ass who can turn into a beast of hell from will?- and finally accepted it, and now this!

_I am Sephiroth. I do not condone incest!_

_Then what would you call what you did at the Reunion, then? A clone orgy? _Something that sounded a lot like Jenova whispered in his head. He blushed. _That's not incest! That's…um… that's DIFFERENT! What are you doing in my head! I thought you were gone! Hey, wait… if Vincent is my father, and you're my mother… that means you two…_

A now-very-disturbed Sephiroth was uselessly trying to will his thoughts to go anywhere but on that track.

…The Kiss. Sephiroth thought it was…nice, to say the least. He wondered what Aerith was on at the time. _Probably oxygen. That girl is a hippy, she gets high on everything, I bet she wears hemp underwear…mmmm, underwear…_

Both men were startled out of their 'reverie's' to do with women with the voice of a very pissed off nurse. She came up to Vincent and slapped him.

"You mean to tell me that you wait until you get a near-fatal sword injury before you tell your son who his father is!" The overly hysterical nurse shouted. And since Vincent had enhanced hearing, thanks to Hojo, he took some seconds to recover. Then…

_Oh shit. He _is _my son._

While Vincent was doing his best goldfish imitation now that he found out that his prank had backfired, Sephiroth decided to insert one of his coughcough_ intelligent _observations.

"Well, at least now I know where I get my good looks from. 'Cos it sure isn't Jenova!"

What made him even happier (In relative terms, this is _Sephiroth _we're talking about) was the fact that, after two weeks, the helium had finally worn off. Sephiroth swore that if Zack were ever resurrected by some weird plot twist, he would kill him.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

­­­­­­­­­­

Aerith was on her fifth shot of whisky, and it was still the early afternoon. She saw everyone give her worried glances, and dismissed it to the Great Chocobo of Doom in the sky. Then, she thought, what the hell is the Great Chocobo of Doom?

"Guysssh, why are we here?" she asked the gang, showing that she can be all deep and reflective even when drunk.

"Girl, we are here becauuusssshe && Vampy and hissssh && boyfriend went off to find out if it & really isssh & inshessht or not," said an equally pissed Cid.

"No, what I mean issh, why do we exshisht?" Aerith tried her question again, and turned around on her barstool to catch Yuffie in the act of stealing her mastered Shiva materia. Thank god for the voices of a bunch of dead people and the planet talking in her head. She was practically all-seeing. But it gets pretty annoying when a big lump of rock knows everything (and every_one_) you're doing, ne?

"'Foo, we are here because we're here. Now shut the (&( up, ho." Barret answered, then muttered an apology to Marlene and her virgin ears.

_Marlene is why I can't get drunk, dammit. Shoulda dumped her off at that babysitter, wotshisname? Jackson?_

Tifa and Red were just looking on, amused. They had conspired, and, agreeing that they would just love to see what Aeris would do when drunk, had spiked her drinks and taken bets. Tifa said that Aeris would eventually rent a room in the upstairs inn area of the building an drag someone of to make good use of the bed, while Red said that she would try and take advantage of the fact that she owns mastered fire materia and burn the whole of Kalm, _á la_ Sephiroth and Nibelheim.

Because lets face it, finding out your mother is a space alien (which she isn't, we all know it's Lucrecia) and that your whole life was an experiment just isn't enough. He must have been really drunk too. Or on a caffeine high.

Cloud walked back into the bar after having spent half an hour throwing up out in the back. He walked up to Tifa, opened his mouth to say something, and fainted.

"Tifa." Red started.

"Yes?"

"You have got to work on his alcohol tolerance. It is pathetic, even for a human. _Us _cats could consume this entire bar and act normal," he boasted.

"Darling, you kitties have a (& up perception of normalcy, then," Tifa shot back in a deceptively sweet tone.

Just then, a shocked Vincent and a _content _Sephiroth walked in. Vincent, not doing so much as glancing at anyone, walked straight to the bar.

"Give me the strongest thing you have," he told the sympathetic looking bartender in his oh-so-sexy 'I'm a goth, what's your excuse?' tone.

Sephiroth, however, wasn't as lucky. Before he could say anything, Aeris walked up to him, grabbed his wrist, put 200 gil on the bar counter and dragged him upstairs.

_Oh, **shit**._

"Um, Aeris, please, we barely know each other… and besides, I _killed you!" _he pointed out as she flung open the bedroom door.

"Shut up." Was all she had to say, dragging him through and slamming the door behind them.

Taking note of her actions and the slur in her voice, Sephiroth put two and two together.

"You're drunk, aren't you?"

"Shut up," and then, "Take off all your clothes and lie down. Or I'll make you."

Sephiroth briefly considered committing Hara-Kiri with Masamune, then dismissed the thought. Things could be worse, right?

_She could be into BDSM, for one…_

Then he saw the handcuffs and whip.

"Shit."

A/N: lol, that one was weird, I know. Dominatrix!Aeris is fun to write. See that button that says 'Go' on it? It's so pretty, no? Please review!


	4. Ignorance is Bliss

Disclaimer: Not mine…

A/N: Once again, tnx to reviewers, you make me happy! And yes, xCR1MS0N-T3ARSx , Tifa certainly did win the bet… And, in this chapter, there could be a cameo by the SHM, albeit a tiny (no, _microscopic_) one…

**Ignorance is Bliss**

Cloud woke up to find out that Vincent had returned and was doing shots at the counter, but where were Aeris and Sephiroth? After deciding he didn't want to know, he got up, slightly hurt that no one had noticed his condition. Kicking Yuffie aside- she had been about to steal his Bahamut materia, and Gaia knows what havoc an unstable adolescent could invoke with that, especially after last time such an adolescent got his hands on it- he went to join Cid and Barret.

"Hey, yo, Spiky! Sit your ass down and order something!" Barret said, doing his best Mr. T. imitation, as was his usual custom when drunk.

"Where are Marlene and Tifa?" Cloud asked, noting the lack of hyperactivity with the barmaid, the child, and Aeris AWOL, and Yuffie sulking in a corner because she hadn't been able to steal any materia for the last four hours, sorry, 'borrow without permission.'

"It appears the lasses have gone down to the shops, my fair old chap," Cid, so drunk he was beyond the point of slurring and in the range of dementia (ahem, _further _in the range of dementia, that is), answered.

Cloud grinned. Blackmail options were so few and far in between…

"Waitaminute, then where's Aeris, and why are you drunk at-"Cloud checked his watch, "-five PM?"

He felt something nudge his leg and looked down to see Red.

"Trust me, you don't want to know. On both counts... just don't ask, alright?" Red, for once, cursed the day he had been born with good hearing. Ignorance, as Bugenhagen had told him, was indeed bliss.

Cloud sat down and ordered a beer. He didn't notice when a tall, hooded, figure behind him said, "Big brother!" and another hissed, "Shut up!" and dragged the first out of the bar.

_OoOoOoOoOo_

A few hours later, upstairs, Sephiroth was regaining consciousness. The first thing he felt was a headache. Not just a headache. It was the mother of all headaches, and speaking of mothers, he thought he could hear Jenova giggling like a school girl as she accessed his memories.

_My, my, it's a good thing you can't remember everything you did last night, you silly boy!_ she said in between giggles, _you would be doubting who's your daddy all over again!_

_Wha…? Mother?_

_Yes, son?_

_Shut up and get out of my head?_

_Maybe later. I haven't seen anything as sordid since that time with Hojo, Valentine and those test tubes… tsk, tsk, and they thought I was deaf and blind in my container!_

Sephiroth sat up quickly, gasping.

_MOTHER! Those are my fathers you are talking about!_

_What? I may be an androgynous space alien, but I'm still female in the head, you know…_

That's when Sephiroth noticed the acute pain all over his body, _all over. _Almost dreading seeing where he was, he took several deep breaths, and opened his eyes.

_OoOoOoOoOo_

All the happy banter (read: idiotic drunken ramblings) in the bar stopped suddenly with the sound of a bloodcurdling scream. Well, there had been others, much earlier, but those were insignificant. _This _scream was reminiscent of the truly terrifying things in life, such as the time Vincent's cape had been dyed pink in the wash, and that time when everyone had met Reeve face to face. No _wonder_ the guy sent a stuffed toy out to play instead of getting out himself.

"What's that?" Cloud asked in a squeaky tone after having jumped three feet out of his chair. He realized that no one else had said anything except for Vincent, for a change (to Red: "It would seem that my son woke up." Don't be fooled, the guy is creepy because he knows everything that's happening without looking it!) and that everyone had gone back to what they were doing.

He didn't notice Tifa and Marlene coming in with a dozen bulky shopping bags, and Red looking at them sulkily. He'd _worked_ for that money.

Marlene ran up to Vincent. "Vinnie! I got you something!"

She pulled out a new cape for him, for, you know, after the pink-dye fiasco, which had been her's and Aeris's fault anyway.

_Damned pink dresses, _Vincent thought. Aloud, he said thank you and put the cape on. It looked much like his old one, and the entire female population got depressed due to one of the greatest assets of mankind (created by Hojo, snicker) being covered up once more.

"It looks good on you, Vincent," Tifa smiled her best I'm-ah a country girl and don't-ah you know it smile. "But hang on, there's this thread sticking out…"

Next thing he knew, Vincent was left with five jagged inches of cape, and the female population could breathe again. Tifa, ulterior motive satisfied, walked over to Cloud.

"One more shot, please," Vincent said to the bartender.

"Buddy, don't I know how you feel," said the bartender, who, come to think, looked familiar, with all that greasy black hair in a messy ponytail, the glasses, and the all-white wardrobe.

Vincent dismissed it and ordered a double instead.

_OoOoOoOoOo_

This was not happening to him.

"Sephiroth, calm down!" Aeris told him as she got dressed. Sephiroth was pacing all around the room (fully dressed… mwahaha), occasionally muttering things like "Traitors!" and "Shut up, mother." He was also doing that freaky thing only Sephiroth can pull off, you know, suddenly stopping and laughing insanely for no reason? Yeah, that.

To his opinion, he was perfectly justified. He had awoken to see beer bottles everywhere, no doubt delivered by the poor room service (he didn't want to consider the alternative), bondage gear, and other disturbing sights… but what took the cake was the sight of his coat on the ceiling fan. He didn't remember how it got there. Apparently, Jenova did.

He quickly blocked his mind of her sniggering and continued pacing.

"Sephiroth," Aeris put her hand on his arm, and pointed to herself, "Me, Aeris. Clean up. You, relax. Going…. _down_… _STAIRS._"

Sephiroth stood up straight, what was left of his dignity rapidly disappearing. "You do know that I am coherent when insane?"

"Oh," she blushed.

Sephiroth wondered, not for the first time, why he kept on getting reincarnated. It just wasn't worth it.

_OoOoOoOoOo_

"Witness the biggest cover-up in human history," the drunken Cid, ever the conspiracy theorist, told an equally drunk and unhealthily interested Cloud and Tifa in his alcohol-induced English accent. Barret had gone near Marlene, who was consoling the still-sober Vincent.

"What arrr yoo toking about, Cid?" Tifa asked, oblivious. Cid wasn't the only one with a funky accent when intoxicated. Tifa sounded European.

"You and I, Ro- um, _Cloud_, we have observed history. We are in history now."

"I'm into something here that I cannot understand._" _Cloud said. Very characteristically, actually, unlike everyone else.

"We are in the middle of a war. One that has been going on forever to protect a secret so powerful that if revealed it would devastate the very foundations of mankind."

There was an ominous silence as Cid's British-accented words settled into their heads.

The really pathetic thing was, they had no clue what they were blabbing about.

They were interrupted by the sound of Sephiroth coming down that stairs, looking as insane as ever. Everyone in the bar turned to look at him. He was still wearing those funky sunglasses that Aeris had made him wear.

"What?"

Everyone turned back to what they were doing. No one wants to anger a potentially homicidal Sephiroth. And a badass-looking one at that.

He went to Vincent, wanting to find out if Jenova's little fantasies about the gunman and Hojo were true. Just for curiosity's sake… but wasn't curiosity what had gotten him into this mess?

_Meh, whatever… _

"Hey, Vampy…" That's when Sephiroth noticed that Marlene was holding Vincent's hand consolingly, as if in mourning with him. Over a cape, but still. A cool cape. Plus, she's too young for hormones, so therefore, se'd too young to recognize assets.

"Well, what have we here... Vincent, you look like a ghost!" Sephiroth kneeled down. "And you must be Marlene Wallace."

Vincent just stared ahead. Whether from stoicism, or from being pissed out of his mind, no one will ever know. Except anyone connected to the Jenova cell network, which was by this time _drowning _in alcohol. Tsk, but I digress.

" The O-um, _Cloud_ told me all about you," she answered, wide eyed.

"Oh, really?" he did the insane laugh thing, "What did he say about me?" Sephiroth couldn't _help _but wonder what that miserable blonde had said about him. Not that he cared, Gaia forbid, Sephiroth without apathy?

"That you're a bad man."

Insert insane laugh here. "Oh, I'm not so bad...once you get to know me..."

"Yo, foo, step 'way from ma daughter!"

Sephiroth stood up, shrugged, and went to stare at the bartender. He didn't like the look of him…

"You think all this is real?" Tifa asked a confused Cid.

"What do you mean, my good lady?" Cid scoffed.

"Real enough to kill for," Cloud answered her, completely seriously even though he hadn't the first thing regarding to what they were talking about.

A/N: I think this is the longest chapter, so far. Please review… and you get cookies if you recognize the two movies I was quoting from (shamelessly, as is my style)…


	5. Conflict

Disclaimer: Ah. Do-ah. Nawt. Own-ah. Goshdarnit.

A/N: Thank you to all you lovely readers and reviewers. And as for the movie quotes in the last chapter, the movies in question are the Da Vinci Code and Matrix Revolutions. I happen to have a taste for bad movies. And for the game Truth or Dare. I'm going to stop ranting now.

**Conflict**

Cloud, still drunk, came to what drunk people call a 'moment of clarity'. Sephiroth was back. Aerith was back… Sephiroth and Aerith had... well… the point was: he should be angry. _Really _angry.

Ah, well. Better late than never.

He stood up, and strode confidently in a_ slightly _wavy line past Cid, who was still talking complete nonsense in European accents, apparently to the wall. He walked past Yuffie, Tifa, Cait and Barret, who were playing Go Fish, completely sober, surprisingly. Red was sitting by Vincent and Marlene, who were playing 'I spy', for some weird reason, and watched as Cloud proceeded to make a complete fool out of himself.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" Cloud screamed at Sephiroth, poking him in the chest. Sephiroth just frowned delicately and raised an eyebrow, like only he can.

"What, pray tell, are you talking about, Strife?"

"I'm talking about… uh…" egged on by Sephiroth's smirk, he added, "Why aren't you carrying out that plot you were gloating about earlier? Why are you not doing anything to annoy me? Why are you alive? Why is Aerith alive? Speaking of Aerith, how did she consent to---um…---with a monster like YOU?"

"Are you finished, Strife?" Sephiroth said icily. He really wasn't in the mood to answer questions right now, especially since Aerith was now coming down the stairs.

The silence as Cloud turned around to follow Sephiroth's gaze was interrupted by Yuffie.

"GO FISH!"

"(&&$ cheater," Barret mumbled.

"HEY! I am NOT!"

Cloud sighed and turned back to Sephiroth.

"Look, can you just tell me why you aren't telling us your evil plot, as is your custom, and carrying it out? I mean, it's drawn out for like, a week and a bit now, right? Ever since we saw you in that library?"

"Ah, yes. That." Sephiroth was slightly losing his cool now, as Aerith was now walking towards him and Cloud. He nervously flicked his hair back in what Cloud though to be a very effeminate gesture. But this is not a yaoi fic, so let's not get into that…

"I'll…tell everyone later... I need to go…" Sephiroth mumbled in between blushing and fidgeting as the pink thing came nearer… and nearer… and nearer…

The next thing Cloud knew, Sephiroth was at the top of the stairs. The sound of a door slamming could be heard, as well as the faint click of a lock. Cloud shook his head in that annoying-yet-endearing way of his.

Aerith looked at him, puzzled.

"What did you tell him to make him run like that?"

"I think it was the sight of you that sent him running," Cloud said, ever tactful.

"A man like him, scared of me?" Now she looked angry. Cloud sure didn't want to be Sephiroth right now.

"I'll show him what there is to be scared of!" Aerith said confidently and went back in Sephiroth's direction.

Cloud sighed and went to join Vincent and Marlene for a rousing match of 'I spy'. The letter was 'C'. As it turned out, Vincent's guess that it stood for 'Chocobo' was correct, making Cloud even more self-conscious about his hair. He hadn't used any gel on it since the morning, after all.

_OoOoOoOoOo_

"Right, Sephiroth. We are going to get to the bottom of this."

Aerith was pacing around the room. She had only gotten in after almost having to slam down the door, and after slapping him until she felt she had knocked some sense into him, finally settled into the pacing. Sephiroth was sitting in his chair, staring at the wall like it was the most interesting thing in the world, his dignity considerably… _less _plentiful…for now.

"To the bottom of what?"

"Why you went crazy in Nibelheim, of course. We have to investigate. You know, Freudian-like."

"You already know why I went mad, though I fail to see how it is any business of yours. And… who is Freud, precisely?"

"….uh…"

"…."

"…"

"…"

"Look, that isn't the point! The point is, are the documents that made you go crazy when you read them still in existence?"

Sephiroth nodded.

"I left them where I found them."

"Good. So the plan is, we go read them, we find out why we are alive, as there is _bound _to be some information in that dreadful place, and _then _you can reveal your evil plot. Okay? Okay."

"You don't ask for much. And it's still none of your business. How do you know that we will find anything?"

"A feeling."

Sephiroth found himself wishing that he was still dead, not for the first or the millionth time that day.

OoOoOoOoOo

Tifa was deep in thought. She had given up on the card game, since Yuffie was cheating on every hand anyway.

What is the deep, insightful, thing she is thinking about today, I hear you ask? Is it the activity level of Shinra? The fact that the bartender looks a lot like Hojo, but reassured them all that he isn't? Was it the thought of the SHM and Zack possibly being back, seeing as Aerith and Sephiroth were alive?

No, she is not. She is mentally gauging the 'hotness' of each of her male comrades. How… _deep._ Not.

_Okay Tifa, think. Barret? Too much of a father figure. Cid? Hot, but not my type. He's Shera's, anyway. Reeve? Don't know. Sephiroth? Hot. He's taken, in a manner of speaking. I don't want to face Aerith's wrath, (Gaia that sounds weird), and besides, I'm supposed to hate him, so no. Cloud? Doesn't give a damn about me except for the 'best friends' thing. Vincent?_

A smile crept on to her face. Now there was a possibility. She gave Vincent The Eye. He reciprocated.

_That's a good start as any._

Ah, love is in the air…

_OoOoOoOoOo_

The Midgar mountain range. Large, picturesque (if grey is your favorite colour), majestic… and now of the privilege of having three psychotic teenagers in it's midst.

"WE WERE SO CLOSE!" Kadaj screamed, looking at Yazoo for a response, an affirmation, _something. _When Yazoo remained stoic, as usual, he looked at Loz. Loz was crying. Thinking this was good enough support, Kadaj went into Pretentious Speech Mode.

"As you know, dear brothers, just as we were so close to getting to see mother, we died. It's still crippling us with pain, this… failure, because that's what happened. We _failed." _He paused for dramatic effect, looking at Yazoo again, just because he's smexy. "We know that mother is dead, now. So now we will find Sephiroth, who will give us the answers that we seek in order to make us whole again!"

Loz cried. Yazoo sighed. Just as Kadaj was turning to start on their journey, Yazoo spoke up.

"Kadaj, that is the stupidest idea I have ever heard."

Kadaj's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Now, why would you say that, brother dearest?" The word 'dearest' was said with more venom than a Black Mumba viper.

"Look. One, Sephiroth is dead. Two, even if he isn't, he could be anywhere."

Loz nodded dumbly. He was playing with a yo-yo.

"Yazoo, darling," Kadaj walked toward Yazoo until only an inch remained between them, "We are 'dead', too, correct?_ Plus_, we are supposed to be remnants... And I don't sense Sephiroth. Trust me, I can tell when he's there. He's naughtier than you are."

Yazoo smirked.

"Are you coming on to me, _brother dearest?_"

"Possibly. Come on, I know some places were he could be!"

And with that, the three brothers strode off, somewhat hindered by the fact that their motorcycles were currently scrap metal somewhere, and because Loz kept on stopping every two minutes when he accidentally threw his yo-yo into the brush after a particularly over-zealous swing.

Somewhere above, a crow was flying happily and peacefully with a sense of accomplishment. It was well pleased as it had caught _five _worms that day! It looked around, at the sunset, at the mountains, at the beautifully decaying monsters in the nearby proximity being eaten by vultures… _then_, something pretty and shiny caught its eye.

That something was Yazoo's hair, innocently shining in the twilight.

A/N: DUN DUN DUUUN! A plot is starting to form! Please review and tell me what you think... you guys rawk! And trust me, this fic is going somewhere. Insanity with a plot... what next!

And, coming soon: Zack is back!


	6. A Conspiracy is Underway

Disclaimer: Don't own.

**A Conspiracy is Underway**

Zack was having a bad day. All he was doing this morning was experimenting with helium on the sleeping spirits of the population of The Void with Hojo (who he ended up liking a bit despite _hating _him with a vengeance in life) then, poof, a white light, and the next thing he knew, he was lying on the beach of Costa del Sol with children burying him with sand. Hojo, on the other hand, got lucky: he was experiencing déjà vu in that that he had woken up in a lounge chair, trying to get a tan in a lab coat, surrounded by beautiful women.

Zack groaned. This was going to be a long day. First things first, he had to find someone he knew other than the greasy haired maniac. He grinned.

_Didn't Seph and Aeri get resurrected? _

Zack walked up to Hojo, much more optimistic now.

"Hey yo Ho," he greeted the scientist, "You wanna come, or what? I'm gonna go look for the other resurrected peeps!"

Hojo sat up sharply, adjusting his glasses.

"Yes, definitely. It really is interesting that people are suddenly disappearing from our plane of existence and appearing in the world of the living… and I brought our supplies of helium to threaten society with!"

"Oh, Professor, you're so smart!" a blonde lady said.

"I know. Excuse me, ladies…"

And with that, one of the strangest travelling groups ever hit the road, scheming. They had helium in abundance, and it all had to be used somewhere….

_OoOoOoOoOo_

Lucrecia was walking around Wutai, clueless. First, because she couldn't believe that she had a functioning physical body, and second, because if she did, how did she end up in Wutai and not in that cave?

_Ah well._

She'd had a pretty uneventful day. She was found by a little girl, who'd taken her to her mother. The child's mother happened to be the owner of an expensive Wutainese restaurant, so Lucrecia had spent her first lunch after a long time dead dining like a Shinra executive.

Suddenly a thought occurred to her. If she was alive… she could see the people she cared for! Unfortunately, she did not know where to start… and even if she went out looking, she didn't know how to fight…

_Wait, I know! I will go to find my son! I bet he's grown! Then I'll go find Vincent… then maybe Hojo._

Her second problem was solved as she passed the local bar to find four Turks sitting at the counter.

She was definitely getting somewhere.

_OoOoOoOoOo_

Back in the Midgar mountain range, Yazoo was getting really annoyed, something that did not happen often at all. First of all, Loz's yo-yo had hit him in the head more times than he cared to count, Kadaj was waving his arms around in a most annoying manner, and a crow that was flying overhead was giving him funny looks. He pointed the Velvet Nightmare at it. Big mistake.

Before Yazoo could react, the crow swept down and landed on the gun, pecking at it. He tried shaking it off, to no avail.

"Hey Kadaj," Yazoo started, hoping to distract himself from all his frustrations, "Wasn't our Big Brother in Kalm?"

"Yes, that is where we are going, incidentally."

"But isn't that Junon up ahead?"

Kadaj swore and checked the map.

"Yes, that is Junon. Er… we can only get off the mountains around here, though, and THEN we can proceed to Kalm!"

"Wasn't the strong, pretty lady there too?" Loz added his input.

Yazoo sighed as he realised something else. Why didn't Kadaj think to talk to Cloud

_then,_ when they were actually _in _Kalm before their training session? He asked him.

"BECAUSE, Yazoo baby, then he was _drunk. _You cannot ask drunken people important things!"

Yazoo sighed again, "I know, but… ah, screw it."

Yazoo was left to the mercy of the crow as the brothers dwindled off into silence. He felt, for a second, truly like a Sephiroth remnant: he felt like burning everything and everyone as the crow pulled some of his hair out.

Of course, this being Yazoo, he took out the gun, tried to shoot the crow, but thought otherwise when the crow gave him a look that said, 'try that buster and it's your pretty eyes next.'

Loz decided to speak up again.

"Let's play a game! It's called 'What did each one of us inherit from Sephiroth'!"

"You know something, Loz, that is actually a good idea," Kadaj said, "but it's really quite easy. You have his body, I have his brains… and Yazoo, you're his feminine side!"

"Yeah! Yazoo the uke! Yazoo the uke!" Loz jibed.

Yazoo could not trust himself to speak.

_Why not? My voice is worth just as much!_

"No, Kadaj, you're wrong! You were right about Loz… but I am clearly Sephiroth's charm, and _you_, however, are the side that emerges when he's on helium!"

Yazoo looked smug as Kadaj looked stupefied. For once in his life, he had _effectively _talked back to Kadaj... and it felt good. Loz was giggling.

Yazoo's good feeling disappeared as the crow went back to pecking at his head.

_OoOoOoOoOo_

Aerith and Sephiroth were at Junon catching a ship to the Eastern Continent and Nibelheim. They couldn't ask Cid for use of the Sierra because they didn't want to face Cloud's wrath at them going off to find information together. While Sephiroth didn't care, Aerith wanted to be in Cloud's good books, and so, the hard way it was.

"Sephy, there are two hours until the ship leaves!"

"So? And do not call me Sephy!"

"We can go shopping, Sephy!"

Sephiroth tried not to think how cliché the current situation was as they pushed through the crowd of the big harbour town.

"Fine. First we go to the weapons shop."

"But why? You never used anything other than _that sword…"_

"_That sword _has a name, if you don't mind."

Aerith stopped and gave Sephiroth a look that reminded him of Jenova. All around them, the crowd tutted at them stopping suddenly, but shut up, when Sephiroth casually indicated the Masamune. That pretty much cleared the area,

"Why are you being such a… a… _bastard?" _Aerith asked him, looking hurt.

"Because I am. Deal."

They carried on walking in silence.

"I still want to go clothes shopping," Aerith persisted.

"But you always wear the same dress… besides, Cetra, have you ever heard the saying 'age before beauty?"

"No…"

"It means that the eldest in the group gets the choice before the pretty one. In that case, I am the elder. And the pretty one. So we go to the weapons shop."

"Don't you think I'm pretty?"

"…"

"You don't?"

"…"

"He doesn't think I'm pretty…"

"OH LOOK, there's the weapons shop!" Sephiroth had never felt happier in his life at seeing a shop. He walked into it as an upset Aerith stayed outside, looking to the world really, really depressed.

_Now _she got what Cloud had always said about Sephiroth having no social skills. By all rights, she should've known, because she had spent more time alone with him than anyone else… but _still._

_OoOoOoOoOo_

In the bar in Kalm, Cloud was furious.

"Where's Aerith!"

"Looks like the lovebirds eloped…" Cid grinned.

"Yay for Aerith!" Yuffie jumped.

Cloud sighed.

"We have to go look for them now…"

A/N: lol, everyone's out looking for Aerith and Seph… poor them! Anyways, why is everyone getting resurrected? What is going to happen with the helium? And who is the REAL antagonist of this story? Find out (like you care) in the next chapter of HELIUM INSANITY!

ahem… yeah…


	7. The 'One Room Left' Cliche

Disclaimer: Don't own.

**The 'One Room Left' Cliché**

"So, how did a girl like you get to a place like this?"

Reno was constantly trying to come on to Lucrecia, much to her annoyance. She, Reno, and the other Turks were in a Shinra helicopter, flying to Kalm.

"Reno, why don't you leave her alone?" Elena asked. "Can't you see she's not interested?"

"It's not my fault you're jealous…"

They carried on bickering like this. Rude, silent as usual, was expertly flying the helicopter. Tseng turned to Lucrecia, who was busy staring at the ocean below them.

"Who are you looking for?" he asked.

Lucrecia didn't reply for a while, and just when Tseng had given up on getting an answer, she spoke.

"…do you know a man named Sephiroth?"

Everyone went quiet at that.

"No, way, yo… why would you want to find Sephiroth?" Reno turned around to face Lucrecia.

"He's my son…"

"Oh."

"…"

"He is dead, do you know that?" Rude said, startling everyone.

"Is he?"

"Yup. But we'll take you to Kalm anyway," Reno said.

Lucrecia didn't think he was dead, in fact, she _knew. _ She would have felt it; being in a stasis for thirty years can make you more intuitive.

"Fine," she said, and smiled when Elena gave her a funny look.

_How can someone look so unaffected at hearing of their child's death?_

_OoOoOoOoOo_

Back in the bar in Kalm. Cid was still talking nonsense to the bartender he kept on insisting was Hojo. Yuffie and Barret were still playing Go Fish, but instead of Cait, Reeve was there. Marlene was playing with Red and the now-immobile Cait, an experience that Red would rather keep secret, as it involved pink ribbons. He let out something that could be called a whine.

Tifa and Vincent, however, were standing to the side.

"So…" Tifa started what would be bound to be an _exciting_ conversation.

"…"

"…yeah."

"…you wanted to talk to me."

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"Um…"

"….?"

Tifa sighed. The thought 'what would Aerith do?' crossed her mind, but she quickly shook her head when she remembered Aerith's somewhat… _presumptuous _approach.

_This isn't going to be easy._

_OoOoOoOoOo_

Cloud, not for the first time, cursed his over-protective feelings. He'd had to go look for Aerith on his own, because everyone else was not sober enough. At least that's what he told himself. In reality, no one had wanted to go, because in their drunken little minds, they knew Aerith was fine.

He looked at the sun, which was high in the sky. Avalanche had spent the night in the inn, trying to ignore the sound of Vincent being Vincent, that is, being hyperactive at night and shooting every target in sight.

He had a hunch that they went in the direction of Junon; he was now at the swamp. He didn't want to be eaten by the Zolom, so he slightly increased Fenrir's speed.

_Why is Cid never sober when you need him?_

_OoOoOoOoOo_

The silver-haired men were taking a break. Yazoo was brushing his hair, Kadaj was strutting around looking like an idiot, and Loz was _still _playing with that yo-yo.

"Why does Big Brother have yellow hair? Why Kadaj and Yazoo pretty like girlies? Why pretty brunette don't like Loz?"

"Loz…" Kadaj said.

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

Yazoo ignored his brothers, looking at the view. He also tried to ignore the crow, which was perched on his shoulder. They were almost off the mountain, after all that walking. Suddenly, something caught his eye.

"Kadaj?"

Kadaj was busy mumbling to himself. The words 'mother' and 'damn' were the most distinguishable.

"Kadaj?"

Still mumbling.

"KADAJ!"

"Huh…yeah, no need to shout!"

"There is a need to shout… I just saw Big Brother on his motorbike, over the swamps!"

"Don't tell me all that walking was for nothing?" Loz whined.

"We have to change direction now…" Kadaj said, exasperated.

"I have an idea," Yazoo volunteered. "Let's go to the Chocobo farm!"

"We can't ride the Chocobos past the swamps," Kadaj pointed out.

"Oh yes we can," Yazoo said.

"By stealing them?" Loz asked, shocked.

"Of course," Kadaj said.

_OoOoOoOoOo_

Zack and Hojo were still in Costa del Sol, waiting for the boat that would take them to the Eastern Continent. Hojo had wanted to go to the Gold Saucer to experiment on the children there, and Zack agreed, until they realized that they probably wouldn't get anywhere without the Buster sword. Zack had to make do with a cheap sword that he had found in a shop.

Zack was looking at materia now, and Hojo had gone off somewhere with the blonde lady from before, muttering something about experiments. Zack decided that he didn't want to know.

He chose a Fire materia and an Ice materia, and went to the counter to pay, then remembered that he had no money left.

"That would be 500 gil, sir."

"Uh…" Zack was stuck. "Uh, look over there?"

"Huh? ...hey!"

Zack ran out of the shop with the materia in his pockets. He didn't check if he was being followed, just ran to the beach. Taking out the materia, he placed it in the slots of his sword… then looked up.

_And he was only gone for ten minutes._

The beach was full of young women talking in unnaturally high voices. Standing in the middle of the insanity, with an innocent look on his face and a syringe in each hand, was Hojo.

"…Any interesting results?" Zack asked. He was used to this by now.

"Yes, they appear to not want to sunbathe topless anymore."

"Ah, bugger."

"Indeed."

_OoOoOoOoOo_

"Seph…"

"Hn…?"

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"…"

"…"

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

Sephiroth and Aerith were on the deck of the ship, Aerith asking Sephiroth if they were there yet every two minutes, when in fact they would arrive in four hours. Sephiroth considered getting a cabin.

"Wait here. I'm getting a room."

"I'm coming, I want one too!"

He went to the reception area of the ship. He had never travelled in a cruise ship before, and didn't intend to, but this was the only ship going to Costa del Sol.

"I'd like two rooms," he said to the receptionist.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we only have one-"

"Don't give me that. This always happens, and it always ends up with me in an embarrassing… position. I know you have another room."

"Fine."

"How much do the Authors pay you to give us that 'only one room left' line, anyway?"

"Enough. Here are your keys, sir."

With a smirk of satisfaction, Sephiroth took his keys, and tossed Aerith hers. She fumbled the catch.

"Yes?" he asked when he noted that Aerith was giving him a glare. Heh, she could have fooled him. Who was she trying to intimidate? A squirrel?

"I thought you were okay with having one room," she whined.

"No. I'm going. Don't follow me."

He went in the direction of the cabins, then turned around when he felt Aerith following him anyway. He glared.

"What, my room is in that direction too!"

"Fine."

"Fine!"

They spent the rest of the journey in silence (and in separate bedrooms, thankfully), not aware of the search party after them.

A/N: Much thanks to those who reviewed. Meh, this was a bit of a pointless chapter… anyway! Next time, two of the groups meet…


	8. There's Something in the Air

Disclaimer: Don't own.

**There's Something in the Air, and it isn't Pollen…**

"So, Reeve," Yuffie said, "What's it like being a double-triple-whipple-tentacle agent?"

"Stop trying to distract me, Yuffie," he said. Bored of being in the background, he, Yuffie and Barret had decided to play the much more interesting game of strip poker, successfully attracting the attention they so craved. So far, all the clothes that had been covering Reeve's upper body were gone, displaying, much to everyone's surprise, a nice, toned chest. Barret, thankfully, was good at poker. Yuffie had lost her bra, though why she even needed one was a mystery.

"No, foo, what is really weird is, what are we doing here in Kalm for a week?" Barret asked.

"Cloud said it was for rest and relaxations… don't forget that we were here a week ago and Vinny got stabbed, too, so we _had _to stay!" Yuffie said.

"But all we seem to do is play cards!" Barret pointed out.

"I'm not complaining," Yuffie remarked as Reeve lost the hand and had to take off his trousers. Briefly (atrocious pun intended) wondering if Reeve was a boxer guy or a briefs guy, she let out a sigh of relief as she discovered it was boxers… covered in Chocobos, but still.

"We better be going somewhere soon," Reeve said, knowing that he would never live down the humiliation.

"As soon as Cid's sober," Yuffie said. "And Cloud… let's forget about him, eh?"

This sounded like a very good idea to the trio.

Red walked over to them, looking as if on the edge of despair, with Marlene on his back and pink ribbons in his mane.

"Daddy! I made Red pretty!"

"Good, Marlene," Barret sniggered. Red gave him a Glare of Doom.

"Daddy, why is Uncle Reeve…?"

"Don't look at Uncle Reeve."

Tifa, still trying to keep Vincent's attention (he was now looking at the bartender suspiciously. Again), said, "Should we join them in their game?"

Vincent kept his cool, and said, "Maybe we should start our own…"

Tifa giggled. "Oh, Vincent, you're so _naughty!_"

_Damn, I sound like a teenager!_

"I am, aren't I?" Vincent smirked. He then noticed that during their little 'conversation', they had subconsciously moved much closer together. Tifa noticed it, too.

"Um… Vincent?"

"Yes?"

His smirk looked predatory.

"Maybe- mffff!"

Whatever nonsense that Tifa was going to say was muffled as Vincent pulled her into a deep kiss, which she gladly returned.

The bartender was fed up by now. He had seen many things in his life, but the gang that were occupying his bar/inn in the last few days just took the cake! But he had to admit that they were capable of putting on quite a show, and decided that he was okay with them… so, maybe his decision was influenced by the pretty Wutainese girl who was playing cards taking off her shorts… so what?

Suddenly the door slammed open. Of course, this was ignored by everyone but the bartender; Vincent and Tifa were still making out, Cid was still passed out in the back alley, and Reeve was still sweating over the impending loss of his last article of clothing. The bartender didn't think anything of it as four of his regulars, dressed in dark blue official-looking suits, came up to him and made their orders. But everyone _had _to take notice of the shrill voice belonging to the woman who had come in with the regulars.

"_VINCENT VALENTINE, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"_

_OoOoOoOoOo_

"We meet at last," Kadaj said.

"Wha-You're dead!" Cloud shouted. "I held you in my arms as-"

"That doesn't sound right, big brother," Kadaj said. They had eventually caught up to Cloud in the Mythril mines, and they had him cornered- though Cloud didn't know that.

"Whatever," Cloud said, "I have nothing to say to you. You're useless separated from Sephiroth anyway."

"Yeah, about Sephiroth, where is he?" Kadaj asked the question in what he hoped was an intimidating tone.

"I told you, I have nothing to say to you!" Cloud said, starting up Fenrir and driving off.

Kadaj, not particularly worried, let him go. He waited calmly, until…

BANG!

"Kadaj-y, Yazzy Wazzy Jazzy got Big Brother!"

Kadaj smirked as he saw the approaching figures of a sauntering Loz, and Yazoo dragging Cloud along the rocky ground with one hand, and carrying Velvet Nightmare with another. A crow above stared with fascination at the thing that looked more Chocobo than human.

"Excellent," Kadaj said. "Tie him up. He knows things, and we are going to get them out of him no matter what…"

_OoOoOoOoOo_

"Seeeeeeeeeeph, can we stop at the beach?" Aerith asked for the umpteenth time. They were in the tourist-trap of Costa del Sol, where the sun shines not _sometimes, _but ALL the time! …Except night time…

"No, we're not tourists, and besides, I might get a tan… Gaia forbid," Sephiroth said, shuddering at the thought. His lovely pale skin was something he'd worked hard for, spending an excessive amount of money on sun creams, and slathering it on every inch of exposed skin every single morning. He remembered a time at the military, when he was just starting out, in boot camp- not wanting to be called a sissy, he'd had to eschew his creams, and it had resulted in a terrible looking tan. Sephiroth tanned too easily.

"You're no fun," Aerith whined. Then, she got an idea. "Seph, if we go to the beach, it means we will have to get swimwear… specifically, me in a swimsuit…"

"Ah. Well…"

"We can stop by a pharmacy to get you SPF 70," Aerith said, effectively making Sephiroth's excuses void_ and_ making him wonder if she could read minds.

"Fine. But only for a little while."

So after buying the creams, Sephiroth and Aerith went to the nearest swimwear shop. Aerith immediately went to a rack that held bikinis that were made of very little material, and Sephiroth just looked for black swimming trunks.

_Oh, what I would do to make it up to this girl… wait, what?_

He wasn't trying to get into Aerith's good books… well he already was, but why…? Could it be guilt? Sephiroth was now disturbed. The only other time he'd felt guilt was…

_Never mind. I do NOT feel guilt. I am badass. I am a mean, egomaniac bastard I will NOT be reduced to the depths of OOC doom! I am the most kick-ass super villain to ever-_

Sephiroth's thoughts were rudely disturbed by the voice of a man, who was stepping out of a changing room.

"Zack, does this make me look too skinny?"

Sephiroth was no fool. He knew when to retreat.

"Aerith? Maybe we should go to the next shop..."

"Just a minute, Seph…"

Sephiroth felt himself begin to sweat. The voices sounded nearer and nearer…

"No, Ho, that one suits you. Heck, black suits anyone."

"But it has no pockets for my syringes!"

"Maybe you can get one of those man-handbags for them."

"I don't want to look like a pouf!"

The man went back into the changing room.

"AERITH!" Sephiroth made the fatal mistake of shouting.

"Aerith…?" He heard Zack say.

He could hear footsteps. Unless they got away, Sephiroth would be subjected to several of his worst nightmares… prominently, Helium and The Mystery of His Paternity.

"So, how do I look?" Aerith stepped out of the changing room wearing an extremely low-cut one piece (in black, oddly enough).

Quite a few things happened all at once. First, Sephiroth's mouth dropped open. Realising how ridiculous he looked, he started laughing manically. Then, Zack came around the corner, saw Aerith, and said, "HOT DAMN!" Adding to the cacophony, a passing car honked (for the shop was one of those outside-boutique places found in such resorts), a seagull fell out of a tree, a truck carrying watermelons overturned, and the aliens XR23-M and UV93-O, who were told by their pretty cousin Jenova to lead an invasion with their armada, decided to spare a Planet where such fine species are produced.

Hojo, somehow managing to look decent (that is, not nauseating) in swimming trunks, finally came out of the changing room. He looked at the surrounding chaos with unhealthy fascination, and then glanced at Sephiroth, Aerith, Zack, and Aerith again with a raised eyebrow, then back to the flame-and-blood-covered car (and person) wreckage, the dead seagull, and the many crushed watermelons.

"So… what did I miss?"

A/N: Because let's face it, which guy wouldn't want to see a girl like Aerith in a skimpy swimsuit? (And she saves the Planet _again…_) Please review; I need them to preserve my sanity!


	9. Things Get Feline

Disclaimer: Don't own.

**Things Get Feline**

SLAP!

"WHERE'S MOMMY!"

SLAP!

"WHERE'S MOMMY!"

SLAP!

"Loz," Yazoo sighed from his spot nearby, "as entertaining as this is, maybe he would say something if you gave him a chance to reply, don't you think?"

Loz and Yazoo had tied Cloud to a rock while Kadaj was scouting the area for monsters to kill… because, as you know, there is nothing quite like the thrill of walking through a filthy swamp trying not to be eaten by a twenty-foot cobra. Chocobos were pretty much out of the question, since Loz had decided that barbecuing them would be a good idea.

"You're both stupid!" Kadaj said, slightly out of breath from having to exert his pretty self by running (GASP!). "We're looking for SEPHIROTH!"

Yazoo nodded. Loz still looked blank.

Kadaj sighed. "セフィロス."

"Oh, him," Loz grinned.

SLAP!

"WHERE'S セフィロス!"

SLAP!

"WHE-"

SLAP!

This time, it was Kadaj who slapped Loz across the face.

"QUIT SLAPPIN' HIM LIKE A HO!"

"I can tell you where he is," Cloud finally said, just to stop the insanity allaround him.

"Oh, really?" Yazoo asked. He was the only one who was paying attention, while Kadaj and Loz were having a slapping match of their own.

"Yeah…um…" Cloud said the first location that came into his mind. "Nibelheim! Yeah!"

"Hmmm…"

"Wait, what are you going to do with me?"

"I dunno. KADAJ!"

"Yes, brother dearest?"

Yazoo pointed at Cloud.

"Just leave him here. The vultures will feed on him, plus it gives the mandatory-heroic-scene-of-the-protagonist-escaping-from-immediate-danger-by-miraculously-untying-complex-knots story element," Kadaj said, blue in the face from lack of commas.

"LOL, okai!"

"Yazzy isa comin down with something!" Loz giggled.

Kadaj kept down the urge to gouge someone's eyes out. He took a look at Fenrir to calm his nerves, and an idea occurred to him.

"Guys… how good is your balance?"

_OoOoOoOoOo_

Aerith was trying to gain perspective of the situation. Why was everything so noisy?

"Sephy, what's going on?"

"Don't tell me you've started with _that _name…"

"You didn't tell me… does this look good on me?"

Zack, sparing a moment to look at Aerith's face, rather than certain assets, said, "HELL YEAH!"

Aerith squealed. Rather like his fangirls, Sephiroth thought.

"ZACK!" she screamed, running up to him and, for lack of better word, glomped him.

"Glad to see me?" Zack grinned cheesily, trying not to think about Aerith's body pressed up against his like that…

Sephiroth groaned. Big deal. A reunion between ex-lovers. Really, a special occasion. Not. Or was it ex-lovers? Sephiroth found himself panicking along _that _track of thought for some strange reason.

"Fine, just ignore me. It's not like I'm crucial to the plot, or anything, despite the fact that _I'm_ the helium-meister here…" Hojo said sulkily.

"Fine. We will. You're not," Sephiroth grumbled, shielding his eyes from the hideous sight.

"You might consider purchasing sunglasses."

"As soon as YOU consider purchasing some clothes!"

"Chill, Sephy baby. Ho's been helping me unleash mass destruction," Zack said, Aerith having pulled away from him, much to his chagrin.

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. " 'Ho'? What kind of cracked nickname is that?" He would have sniggered, if it wasn't so _undignified._ "And what's that about mass destruction?"

"Seph," Aerith whined, trying to avert her eyes from the insanely supernova hot bishie-ness that was Hojo :sniggerCOUGHSPLUTTERsplutterdeath: "We're already…"

"Yes, yes, I know," Sephiroth said, walking away in the direction of the Continent. Hopefully Aerith had forgotten about the sunbathing.

"But Zack…!" she whined some more.

"Whatever. Zack stays with Crazy. We're going."

"But!"

"Sephiroth, I am your father," Hojo said suddenly. And rather randomly.

Sephiroth stopped in his tracks, wondering if everyone thought him a fool… albeit a pretty one. "Don't start that again, we've already established that Vincent is my father…"

"He lies! …And what's Valentine doing still alive? A FAITHFUL SON WOULDN'T HAVE LEFT THAT… :paternal censorship:… ALIVE!"

Zack laughed. It looked like he was going to get to 'hang out' with Aerith after all.

These hopes were crushed when Sephiroth gave him the Evil Eye.

_Maybe I shouldn't have injected him helium in his sleep… oops._

He perked up again, however, at the sound of Hojo screaming because Sephiroth had kicked him… somewhere… painful. Repeatedly.

"THAT'S FOR BEING A LYING &&$$£$&$ $$$£&$$£&! AND THAT'S FOR $&$$&&&$£&£! &$$!"

_OoOoOoOoOo_

Pure chaos reigned at the bar. Note the lower case letter. Not Chaos, chaos. So far, anyway.

"_I leave you for a measly thirty years and what do you do? You run off with some skank!" _Lucrecia screeched.

"Relax, relax, it's not what it looks like…" Vincent said and received a glare from Tifa, who had previously been nervously fidgeting.

At the counter, Reno smirked. "Once a Turk, always a Turk, eh Rude?"

"…" Rude said creatively.

"Reno, just because you like to hump anything that moves doesn't mean that we do," Tseng said… _stoically_. Why? Because he's Tseng.

"I beg to differ…"

"What did you say?"

"Guys…" Elena chirped, "Rabid lady, five o'clock."

They all turned around to see Lucrecia approach them furiously. Before they could back away, she walked right up to Tseng and slapped him. Not just one of those slaps… but A Slap.

"Ouch, lady," Tseng said, putting a hand over his cheek, but not moving otherwise, because that's just how cool he is.

"_AND YOU!_" she screamed, "_Not only do you have the nerve to take my child away from me and practically sugarcoating my death for me, but you also DARE to not tell me who you really are!"_

Tseng, for the first time in his life, looked something other than stoic. He raised an eyebrow…. Cue applause. "I'm sorry, lady, I do not know what you mean."

"OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!"

"We at the Turks do not have a sense of humour that we are aware of, ma'am."

While Lucrecia was occupied with the Turks, Vincent and Tifa had gone back to snogging, and the Strip Poker Club were staring on with fascination. When the screams were starting to sound less kinky and more annoying, Vincent quickly pulled away from Tifa, mumbled an apology, and went over to Lucrecia.

"…you forgot to put in your contact lenses, didn't you," he asked her.

"What of it, cheater?"

"Don't call _me_ that…call Hojo that."

"WHAT?"

"Nothing… speaking of which, the nice man over there is Tseng. Not Hojo."

"Huh. Could have fooled me."

"No, Lucrecia," Vincent sighed, then sighed again just because he could. _And _because it fell into the stereotypical portrayal he was usually given, but that is besides the point. "There are entirely too many differences, but I digress. How about we talk this over like mature adults? …and get something for your eyesight."

"Mature adults?" Lucrecia cheered up, her mind going back to something called Fiction Ratings, and shaking it off.

"Oh, and sorry for making a scene, Mr…Tseng." she giggled.

"Affirmative, ma'am."

Elena kicked him. Hard. Reno absent-mindedly tied ribbons in Tseng's hair. Rude was at a nearby table, testing the effects of a lighter and air-freshener- mixed. Tseng just stood there… _stoically._

Yuffie started. "No Rude, don't do that, I was kicked out of Wutai for doing that because when those two mix together they-"

BOOM.

A/N: Everyone is becoming insane(r). Affirmative. Yes, there _was _an MiB quote in there, somewhere. This chapter inspired by an insane friend's conspiracy theory that Tseng is Hojo in a time loop. Hope you liked, please review!


	10. Final Fantasy VII: The Musical

Disclaimer: Don't own.

A/N: To people who write/like songfics: don't hate me. This is just making fun of those ridiculously out-of-context, overly emotional, Mary Sue songfics. You know they're out there.

Another A/N because I just can't shut up: This chapter made funnier if you know Akon's song 'Lonely', and Gackt's 'Redemption', which is the song in Japanese…. Duh.

**Final Fantasy VII: The Musical**

Cloud was just hanging around. You know, because being tied to a jagged rock of which origin is hell while being circled by avian scavengers that were the harbingers of ultimate doom is just what Cloud _does. _As well as influencing the author to the utilisation of emo-descriptions.

"Emoemoemo," Cloud muttered as he made no struggle at all to escape the rope. What made this even more pathetic was that it was the simplest knot ever, tied with Loz's skipping rope. Cloud sighed, depressed because both Aerith and Tifa were now taken… he knew about Tifa because he heard said avian scavengers talking about it. _Yes, _Cloud knows bird-speak, as if his hair wasn't enough of an indicator.

_That's what I get for being so slow on the_ _uptake… from a choice of two hot girls to zilch. Nada. Nothing._

Suddenly, and he didn't know where from, there was music.

"_Lonely, I'm so loo-O-onely, I have no bodyyyyyy, to call my OW-n, I'm so lonely, I'm Mr. Lone-LY, I have no BOd-yYY, to CA-ll my ooo-OOOOOOO-o-own…"_

Cloud decided to wallow for a while and listen to the music, because not listening would be rude.

"_Yo this one here goes out to all my playas out there man. Ya kno got to have one good girl tho whose always been there. Like ya Kno took all the bullshit then one day she can't take it no more and decides to leave…"_

_Such ambience… such darkness… _Cloud thought.

"_I wont up in the middle of the night and I noticed my girl wasn't by my side, coulda sworn I was dreamin, for her I was FEE-lin…"_

…

"_So I hadda take a little ride, back tracking ova these few years, tryna figure out wat I do to make it go bad, cuz Ever since my girl left me, my whole left life came crashin and…"_

Cloud felt it. The sudden, unexplained, change of character that came with strategically placed songs that were more or less the fan fiction equivalent of, "Git off yo ass and do something," or, alternately, "BOO HOO :dark ambience: LET'S MOSEY! WAHHH!"

"_Lonely, I'm so loo-O-onely, I have no bodyyyyyy, to call my OW-n, I'm so lonely, I'm Mr. Lone-LY, I have no BOd-yYY, to CA-ll my ooo-OOOOOOO-o-own…"_

Fortunately, both Cloud and the readers were spared another verse or chorus when Cloud decided that he really had no reason to be depressed, got out of the 'bindings' in ten seconds, and started walking back towards Kalm.

The poor sucker.

_OoOoOoOoOo_

"We need to talk."

Vincent was just about to have a nice, mature, conversation with Lucrecia, Tifa, and the bartender (You guessed it… Lucrecia was still half-blind) when the place fell into chaos.

Again.

"Yeah, Rude!" Reno cheered, "Way to go, man!"

After the initial small explosion, Rude had converted the air-freshener and the lighter into a makeshift flamethrower.

"That's _exactly _how I got kicked out of Wutai…" Yuffie reminisced as Tseng scolded Rude.

"I am afraid that as your superior, I cannot let you risk collateral damage," Tseng said like the official, tense, one-dimensional prude that 86 per cent of people perceive him to be.

"Um… Yeah!" Elena piped, wanting to be on Tseng's side.

"Boo, you whore," Reno hissed at Elena. She slapped him.

"Let's go play poker outside, where there is no risk of our clothes burning," Reeve said to Barret, Cid, and Yuffie.

"Gawd $& knows they're a $$in' commodity," Cid quipped.

Red stayed behind, watching the disorder abound. He decided to sing to relieve the tension. What else?

"S_hizuka ni sora ni kaeru anata no sugata wo…"_

"…Tifa, Lucrecia, we cannot dodge around this any longer. We _must-_"

"Yeah, yeah. Random Bartender, you can leave," Tifa said.

"Don't let her get me," Random Bartender whispered to Vincent, glaring pointedly at Lucrecia.

"Vincent…" Lucrecia started, getting a glare from Tifa. What a happy group. "All these years ago… I didn't know, I was so confused…"

"_Namida ga kareru made zutto mitsumete ita…" _Red sang merrily.

Vincent gave Tifa A Look. The Look meant, "Shut up. Go away for a bit. This is important." Tifa was smart enough to understand, fortunately enough, and just nodded. She personally prided herself on her tact, she'd be _damned _if she were to lose it now.

"I… I didn't… I wasn't sure what to do, there were hardly any options…"

"_Oreta tsubasa wo habatakase  
subete wo keshite miseyou  
itsu no hi ka owari wo mukaeru  
saigo no kane ga nari yamu made,"_

"But why, Lucrecia? Why were you so…?" Vincent struggled to find a word. Since 'stupid' was too ungentle-manly and 'naïve' was too condescending and therefore unlikely to produce honest answers, he settled for, "Foolish…?"

Which was hardly an improvement, but bear with me. This is a Dramatic Sequence we're experiencing, here.

"_you told me  
live as if you were to die tomorrow  
feel as if you were to be reborn now  
face as if you need to give me a fiver, bitch,"_

Red was enjoying himself, unaware of the drama that he was accompanying.

Lucrecia started crying, earning a look of pity from Vincent, and a look of revulsion from Tifa, who had backed off from the table a bit. It was none of her business, as far as she was concerned.

"And-and, it was so, so hard for me, I never got to hold my own child," she lied, "and then, I realized… my son would be EVIL!"

"_Furueru yubi de akai namida wo nazotta  
I had nothing to lose,  
nothing truth…"_

"Lucrecia, calm down… I think you were not ready for such responsibility…" Vincent said.

"No… I wasn't," Lucrecia said, between sobs.

"_Itsu ka wa kono sora ni dare mo ga kaeru kara  
wakare no kotoba wa iranai  
Make it up!"_

"Vincent… I hope you can forgive me for not telling you the whole truth, for not being there with you."

Vincent, probably the only person in the room who could take such sap and keep a straight face, said, "What, what is it, Lucrecia?"

"_Oreta tsubasa wo habatakase  
subete wo keshite miseyou  
itsu no hi ka owari wo mukaeru  
saigo no kane ga nari yamu made!"_

"Hojo..." Lucrecia started, freely bawling now,

"Yes?" Vincent leaned forward slightly, partly to better hear Lucrecia over the din Red was making, and mainly because he wanted to add a reason to his 'Reasons to Hate Hojo' list, which he cherished in the front pocket of his cape and read every night. The list currently had 665 reasons.

"_Yasashii dake no kotoba nara  
ima no boku wa iyasenai-"_

"Hojo…" Lucrecia couldn't finish her sentence.

"Go on Lu, I know you can do it," Vincent said, relishing the excessive drama in the air.

"_-Hateshinaku tsuzuku tatakai ni  
kono mi wo subete sasageru dake"_

"HOJO WAS BETTER IN BED THAN YOU WERE!" Lucrecia shouted, forcing the dark melodrama out of the depths of her soul, finally letting out the pain and loss along with her tears…etcetera, etcetera, and etcetera.

"_RE-DEEE-EE-EMP-SHUN!"_

"...He was? ...I mean, WHAT!" Vincent wailed disbelievingly.

"_RE-DEEE-EE-EMP-SHUN!"_

All flame-throwing action stopped.

"WHAT!" The rest of the patrons chorused… you've guessed it, disbelievingly. Hey, this is _Vincent's _luck we're talking about. _Of course _everyone, including Tifa, had heard Lucrecia's shout.

"What?" Red asked, not having paid attention, too immersed in his 'lovely', melodramatic singing.

Vincent's already bruised and battered male ego decided to go on holiday to the Northern Crater to mope, and hopefully, to never return and suffer _more _wounds. Which left Vincent with two per cent of the confidence he'd had two minutes ago. Which is saying something.

_Well, here's reason number 666, _Vincent thought…

…And promptly fainted. Melodramatically, of course.

A/N: I love the word melodrama. Bet you can't tell. Anyway, I hope this turned out amusing; I've wanted to write a songfic for ages… mwahahahaha… all hail sarcastic chapters!


	11. Big Questions

Disclaimer: Don't own. I do, however, own The Author, unless said author has been sold into slavery without noticing, which is highly likely.

**Big Questions**

"Please don't tell me that this is our only mode of transport," Yazoo whined in his flat, non-whiney way. Well, that was pointless.

"If you see a chocobo, catch it, idiot!" Kadaj snarled.

"Why are you two incessantly bickering when we could be contemplating the prime motive for the fundamentals of existence and the characteristics of the primal state" asked… Loz.

"…Dunno," Kadaj said, in too much shock to say anything else. Yazoo just stared at the horizon vacantly.

Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz were in the Gold Saucer area, driving on Fenrir. Yes, all three: Loz was sitting normally, trying to drive, Yazoo got to sit right in front of Loz, and Kadaj _trying _to balance his lil' tush on the handlebars. It would be an understatement to say that the whole scene was very uncomfortable… though visually, it was… otherwise.

They carried on like this, until Fenrir's fuel ran out and the bike toppled over. The Crow landed on the tangled mess and started trying to eat Yazoo's hair.

"Well, now what?" Kadaj whined, in a whiney way.

"You're the boss, you decide!" Yazoo poked him.

"I want mommy!" Loz started crying, back to _his _'primal state'.

"Kadaj, did you notice that I've done everything for us lately?" Yazoo said calmly.

"Your point being?"

"I don't want to die!" Loz screamed.

"My point being is that I'm more capable of leading us… I'm fed up of being quiet and undermined the whole time!" Yazoo yelled.

"WAAAAAH!"

"MUTINY! I'm being mutinied against!" Kadaj shouted, waving his arms around in that way he really likes. Which is probably supposed to be some kind of pseudo-religious-iconic metaphor, but who cares?

"Oh yes! The time… is now!" Yazoo said creepily, sounding a _lot _like Sephiroth.

"Let Loz decide, we must think of the children," Kadaj said in a scary, high-pitched, voice, which made Yazoo snap out of whatever Sephiroth-fantasy he'd been having and look at Kadaj worryingly as he continued, "Yes, always… the children… Hehehehehehe…"

"Loz no like scary man! Mother told Loz not to talk to strangers!"

Yazoo smirked. "See, Kadaj? Loz, who do you want to be Daddy here, Kadaj… or me…?"

Loz, looking like the two year old that he was, looked from Yazoo, who was looking all cool and collected, to Kadaj, who was giggling helplessly and sounding more like a paedophile each time he opened his mouth, and back again.

"Loz wants Yazzy. Yazzy have hair like Mommy."

"Z'awesome. Let's go!"

After a few hours of alternating between chasing chocobos and walking, they reached a river.

"How the &$ do we get across this $$!$!" Kadaj yelled.

"Language, Kadaj, we have a child to think about," Yazoo said without thinking. He grimaced when he realized what he'd said.

"Wow, that… sounded… _incredibly_…" Kadaj wavered.

"Gay. I know," Yazoo said, going into a sulk.

"I don't get it, if everyone else can jump, why can't we?" Loz interrupted, back into 'smart mode'.

"You don't honestly think they jump like that naturally?" Kadaj smirked, referring to the ridiculously large jump Cloud made in order to catch up to Bahamut Shin. "They had some help…"

Loz looked blank. Funny, how often _that _occurs.

"Loz, what he means is," Yazoo flipped his hair and rooted around in the invisible, seventh-dimensional (i.e. non-existent) pocket that all RPG characters share, "they had _this._"

He pulled out a can. Now, even Kadaj looked confused. He'd meant to try to construct an invisible, seventh-dimensional bridge… which probably wouldn't have helped. But _a can?_

"Don't look so shocked," Yazoo frowned. "Red Bull, gives you wings. Watch."

Loz and Kadaj watched in childish awe as Yazoo drank the whole can in one go without going into convulsions or dropping dead from everything-cancer, tossed it over his shoulder, hitting, but unfortunately, not injuring, The Crow, and executed a graceful jump, complete with somersaults, over the river.

"$!$, that's $$! amazing!" Kadaj gaped.

"LANGUAGE, BROTHER!"

"Ok, ok, we're coming!"

"Loz want nappy!"

"SHUT UP!"

Yazoo is going to be lucky if he gets to the end of this without getting a seizure. Oh, well. Life sucks… or, in this case, death, but… whatever.

_OoOoOoOoOo_

Zack stared at the microwave, trying to think how helium would react with the radioactive quality in the heating system. He, the two lunatics and 'Hot Chick' (as he referred to Aerith in his head) were in Gongaga. The others had gone to the inn while Zack had to go sort things out with his parents.

So far, the only things that had happened were, in this order: his mother being hysterical, his father giving lectures, and the now-old yet still evil cat giving him sinister, betrayed, glares, looking like Sephiroth as it did. And Zack had never liked any of the above. Except maybe the cat. Or Sephiroth, he wasn't picky.

The only thing to ease Zack's misery was the helium rampage he's gone on earlier; more accurately, going all out on Hojo. Why? A. He had it coming. B. Hot Chick didn't. C. Zack didn't want to be maimed by Sephiroth for afflicting him _again,_ or D. All of the above. You pick.

However, this state of trance was broken by the sound of high-pitched, ostensibly angry yells coming from outside. Zack shifted. His father kept on lecturing. His mother kept on crying. The cat kept on being homicidal.

Everyone, including the cat, however, was plunged into shocked silence as a mad(der) looking, livid Hojo stormed into the house in the typical intrusive RPG style, shouting in a squeaky voice,

"THERE WAS NO NEED TO STICK IT IN THAT HARD, IT HURT!"

And your dear Author just realised that that sounded wrong. Immature being that the Author was, she decided that it gave her something to work with.

Zack's father looked between Zack and Hojo.

"Son, you could have told us!" he shouted.

"You shouldn't have run away in shame!" his mother kept on crying.

"…Once more, I feel like I'm missing something," Hojo mused squeakily.

"Me too. You have no idea how much," Zack facepalmed. And 'facepalmed' magically became a proper English verb, like it should be, what with the erosion of average intelligence and… slap the Author, she's ranting again.

"I'm leaving," Zack said in disgust, slamming the door behind him.

Zack's parents just stared at Hojo.

"Ahem… you should get a haircut, young man," Zack's father said.

Hojo was pissed off, a bad thing to witness. "First of all, while I _sound _about twelve, I am older than you. Second, just because you're jealous of my hair doesn't give you a right to threaten it. Third… goodbye."

If Zack was still present, a shout of 'GOT TOLD!' would have been heard. But alas, he wasn't. So yeah.

_OoOoOoOoOo_

Back at the inn, Sephiroth and Aerith were glaring at each other and arguing. Again.

"You need to get new shoes!"

"You need to get a new personality!"

"You need to get a life!"

"You need to get a haircut!"

Sephiroth looked affected from this last statement. "_Excuse me, _Miss-Oh-I-Saved-The-World," he started in a helium-worthy falsetto, "But just because you're jealous of my hair doesn't give you a right to threaten it!"

Somewhere, in some dimension, the person who was keeping track of the 'Who is Sephiroth's father?' tally board added a mark under Hojo's column. Come on, I'm sure that exists somewhere in the internet, disturbing as it may be. But anyway.

"Oh no you didn't!" Aerith hissed mock-sweetly. (It's possible to do that, honest)

"I believe I just did," Sephiroth smirked.

The two suddenly became aware of the tension in the room. It grew. And grew. And oh, _how _it grew, _darlings._

_OoOoOoOoOo_

Zack and Hojo stared at the sight before them, wide-eyed.

"DO YOU MIND!"

They quickly ran out of the inn room, slamming the door on any large, pointy projectiles coming their way, namely, starting with an 'M' and ending with an 'asamune'.

Sephiroth turned back to Aerith.

"Now, where were we?"

_OoOoOoOoOo_

The Author, not for the first time, wondered if she'd lost her sanity somewhere.

"Like, maybe it's in the lost and found department," Loz said to Yazoo when he'd asked the same question out loud.

The Author also wondered multiple other things: if she was an omniscient narrator, did that make her God? Why did Loz have so many multiple personalities? Why is the Author referring to herself in the third person again? And who is the villain behind all of those dastardly deals in this sarcasm-ridden 'plot'?

We may never know.

A/N: Next chapter, we get to Nibelheim. Finally. Not many chapters left to this… which I'm sure will break your hearts. :snort:

Please review, it contributes to the search for The Author's sanity.


	12. Of Fillers and Crises

Disclaimer: Don't own.

A/N: I'm not dead. Really.

**Of Fillers and Crises**

_Time: 0148 hours_

_Location: Unverified airspace, on board military airship 'Highwind'_

_Destination: Nibelheim_

_Objective: Trying to make this shit sound as militaristic as possible_

Cid looked up from the Highwind controls, randomly cursing, as he is wont to do. Being the only competent pilot on his self-proclaimed masterpiece, he _naturally _had to stay up all night on the bridge with nothing but a coffee and a donut or two.

He looked at the beautiful night sky and wondered what was wrong with the author. The tone so far was way too quiet, and it made Cid nervous. As if on cue, he heard a deep, sexy voice behind him and jumped.

"&$&&!"

"'Evening, Highwind," Vincent said.

Cid turned around to glare at the taller man. Tonight, Vincent had decided to shed his bandanna and cloak, exposing all his tragic facial beauty and…

"Oh, &$… I knew this looked too much like the setting of those &!$$!" Cid started panicking, edging away from Vincent.

"Relax, I am not about to try to… seduce you," Vincent said, wincing at the thought. "I just happened to want to scare the living shit out of you, as I just did. Goodbye."

He turned and disappeared into the shadows. This was made more impressing due to the fact that there were none.

"&!& weirdo. £$£$!$!&…"

_OoOoOoOoOo_

It was one of those nights when all seems quiet and calm, and everyone thinks that everyone else is sleeping. This was only partly true, as most everyone were having a party that everyone else was unaware of. Why? Sound proofing. Duh.

Actually, the party was pretty much a non-event. First of all, there was the problem of the limited space in the girls' cabin. Cloud was passed out in the corner, as usual. The Turks were hanging around near the mini-bar, discussing the best way to kill someone with a pencil. Tifa, Yuffie and Lucrecia were singing a 'lovely' cover of _Like a Virgin_, despite being on Gaia and having the good fortune of not being able to technically know the song.

Tseng looked around, bored of the inane conversation. There wasn't even anything to look at, except maybe Elena. Because, as all assassins know, there is nothing sexier than a girl who looks like she is about to castrate you.

_Or maybe that's just me?_

"So yeah, while I agree that death by lead poisoning is somewhat more satisfying to inflict, I cannot help but think that…"

"…_Shiny and ne-ew! LIKE A VIR-GIN, touched for..."_

"Yes, but isn't brain impalement through the eye-gouging process a more efficient shock-factor for making an example….?

"LOOK AT ME, I'M MADONNA!"

"Maybe, but think of the splinters!

"TOUCHED FOR THE VERY FIRST TI-IME!"

"Rude, speak up! Don't you have an opinion?"

"Yuffie, SHUT UP!"

Tseng was tired of listening to all of this.

"SHUT UP, EVERYONE!" he yelled.

All at once, the noise stopped. It wasn't so much out of shock as hearing Tseng lose his cool. Alas, this is the chapter where he thaws out considerably, so they'll just have to deal with it.

"Stop all this inane nonsense and let's do something productive!" Tseng went on. "Like paperwork!"

At this, a devilish grin spread over Reno's face. He drew Rude and Elena, and his beer into a huddle, while the other girls just looked on passively… or should I say _blankly_. Hey, they were just doing Madonna impressions, what do you expect?

Tseng was getting nervous. Which was saying something. It is a widely known Turk myth that Tseng never got nervous. Not even when Veld was selfish enough to run off with only Tseng knowing where he ran off _to, _making Tseng vulnerable to extensive torture. (/pretending to know about Before Crisis storyline)

The Turks withdrew from their mini-conference. Rude and Elena nodded at Reno. They were all smirking. Tseng felt as if he was developing a migraine.

"I say," Reno started, "that we play Spin the Bottle."

And the bombshell was dropped, the fat lady sang, the shit hit the fan, and The Author got an A in her German test.

I bet you knew it was only a matter of time before Spin the Bottle would feature in here.

"NOOOOOO!"

_OoOoOoOoOo_

"Vince, did ya &$& hear something?" Cid asked grabbing onto Vincent in an OOC show of fright.

"…Yes," Vincent replied, ever reassuring.

_It's not like Highwind to be so afraid. Maybe it is due to the added effect of me randomly appearing during that scream?_

Vincent shrugged, and, noticing his and Highwind's position, with the pilot's arms around him, sighed.

If he wasn't careful, it would turn into one of _those_, because it seemed like some sort of law that the effeminate hero's sexuality would be questioned at least once.

Making up his mind, he disappeared into the non-existent shadows. Several yaoi haters let out a collective sigh of relief.

_OoOoOoOoOo_

Reno still had that smirk. The cat-like one. The one that enemies didn't know whether to see as a sign of peace or a promise of pain. Usually it was the latter.

The smirk widened as the bottle fell between Rude and Tifa. Awkwardness was such a fun thing, he thought as Rude blushed and cleared his throat. Tifa mumbled something about being taken.

"C'mon, you guys gotta kiss, it's the rules, yo," Reno said, making an attempt at sounding sombre. Hands up whoever thinks that worked. See, I didn't think so.

Tifa gave him a glare. "You know what else is in the rules?"

"Hmm?"

She punched the living daylights out of him.

"Don't make Tifa Lockhart compromise her honour. I don't kiss guys I don't want to kiss," Tifa announced, still on a Madonna-influenced feminist high. As an afterthought, she added, "Nothing personal, Rude."

Rude, looking crestfallen, just shrugged. "S'nothin'."

Reno was sulking. "Fine, let's spin again."

Everyone just looked bored. Tseng noticed Lucrecia looking at him hopefully and shuddered. Being compared to a mad scientist never was a pleasant experience.

Reno felt his spirits further dampening when the bottle fell between Tseng and Elena.

"Oh look, a bird!"

As everyone was looking away, he nudged the bottle an inch so that it went to him instead.

"HEY! CHEATER!"

…And he'd almost gotten away with it, too.

Lucrecia, ever tactful, looked between the tense love triangle that consisted of Reno, Tseng, and Elena.

"There is a way to settle this," she said diplomatically. Hey, she's a scientist; she's good at analysing stuff, believe it or not. Most stuff, anyway.

"Do tell," Elena said snobbily as the two men who were fighting over her glared at each other. She felt like an object.

And to answer your question of why Tseng suddenly cares: he's magically loosened up due to my amazing creative license. See, I've even got my little passport photo updated…

"I suggest," Lucrecia elaborated, "that the two have a… competition. To display courage."

"And…?" Elena raised an eyebrow.

"They will have to race around one lap of the Highwind's halls…"

"Easy," Tseng smirked.

"As if, man, you'll be eating my dust!"

"…Naked."

"&$!!$"

A/N: Yes, I decided to cut it off there, create a new type of cliff-hanger, if you will XD

Hope you like, please review!


	13. FINALLY

Disclaimer: Don't own.

A/N: Two words: winter break. Expect more frequent updates, as I finally have time to write.

**FINALLY **

It was night. Therefore, it was dark. Or would have been, if the silver-haired retards- _so sorry, _triplets- weren't trying to put out a huge fire they'd accidentally started in a forest somewhere in the Nibel area.

"Loz, you should have listened to Mother when she told you not to play with matches!" Yazoo scolded, trying to put the fire out with a bucket of water.

Loz was crying. "It isn't my fault the trees like fire!" He wailed.

"WAIT!" Kadaj's shout sounded over the cackling, I mean, crackling, fire. He wasn't doing much to help. Actually, until ten minutes ago, he'd been sleeping. Go figure.

"Get your ass over here and help… if we wait, we will get burnt," Yazoo ordered. He was starting to lose his cool. Of which he had plenty.

"Yes, but… think for a minute," Kadaj said hypocritically, "The whole reason we are going to Nibelthingy is to look for Brother Sephiroth and get his guidance." He ignored the sound of Yazoo laughing manically and went on, "Wouldn't we have his approval if we told him we let loose a forest fire? And WTF are you laughing?"

Yazoo kept on laughing for a while. When it started to look as though Kadaj was thinking of getting Souba out, he calmed down enough to say, "BROTHER Sephiroth? You make him sound like… HaHAhaHAHahA… Like a MONK!"

_Face, meet palm, _Kadaj thought.

"But, yes," Yazoo said, sobered. "I do agree with what you're saying."

SHOCK.

"Let's get out of here then," Kadaj said, eyeing first the fire closing in on their position in the clearing, then at Loz, who was crouched on the ground, muttering to himself and rocking back and forth. "We don't have much area left to cover. Thank God."

Yazoo fought back more giggles. Was there something about this area, that made one lose their sanity? Yazoo didn't care. He was having too much fun discovering that out of the three 'shinentai', it was _he _who'd gotten the gene for arson.

Yay.

_OoOoOoOoOo _

Sephiroth felt better than he had in ages. And it had nothing to do with getting laid. It had to do with the feeling of almost reaching a goal. Which, come to think, he didn't even know.

He, Aerith, Zack, and Hojo, were standing at the entrance to Nibelheim. The village where everything began, the village were things had been lost, found, destroyed and ended. The village where people start to become all melodramatic. As the Author is.

"Hallelujah," Zack exclaimed, without an exclamation mark because he's cool like that.

_Okay, _Sephiroth thought. _Even if the documents still exist, what good are they? What can Aerith do? _

The feeling of pointlessness threatened to take over. But then he remembered that this was _Nibelheim._ Not wanting to surrender to the vibe of the place, Sephiroth stood a little straighter. And yelled when he felt a needle being poked into his arm.

"Hehehe," Hojo, who'd snuck up on Sephiroth snickered. "This place brings back memories…"

"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?"

"I felt like it. Hehehe."

Aerith rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Let's go to the mansion," she snapped and strode into the village.

"What's up with her?" Zack asked Sephiroth. He'd finally accepted that she was the ex-General's catch. Not that he would ever say that out loud, for fear of receiving the women-aren't-objects talk from Hojo. Which was always an awkward thing to hear from him.

"She's pissed off because I was Master last night."

Silence.

"It's the helium talking," Hojo supplied. "Makes you lose inhibition."

"You're his father, hearing about his sex life is supposed to disturb you!" Zack almost yelled, his face a bright red from a mixture of embarrassment and jealousy.

Hojo shrugged and followed Aerith.

"Sephiroth, we need to talk." Zack said.

"No, I won't go out with you," Sephiroth said flatly and squeakily.

"NO! I mean, you've gotta stop rubbing it in my face all the time!"

"What?"

"YOU KNOW!"

"No, actually."

"ABOUT AERITH! For the sake of our friendship, stop it!"

"What friendship?" Sephiroth snapped soprano-ly and walked into town.

Zack stood there, staring after the silver-haired warrior.

There was a vague smell of cat in the air.

_OoOoOoOoOo _

It was 4AM, and nobody was asleep. More like, exploring Shinra Mansion. They'd walked through the ghost town, looking at the abandoned houses, and at the few which were still populated by Shinra-paid pretenders. It was enough to send shivers down one's spine.

Or at least, down Aerith's spine. On arriving at the mansion, she'd lined up her three travelling companions, and walked up and down the line as though she were their commanding officer at the army. She wisely ignored the glares Zack was giving Sephiroth.

"Right then," she started, "what we'll do is this: we scout the area, check if there are still many monsters, if it's safe to stay in there, and it the library still has all the stuff. If everything proves alright, we go to sleep, and first thing next morning we start looking through the books." She stopped pacing, and looked over at Zack and Hojo, who looked puzzled. "I am including you two, because since you two decided to tag along, you may as well make yourselves useful. Let's go." She started towards the interior.

"Hang on!" Sephiroth called out.

Aerith turned around. "What?"

"You'd make a good drills sergeant," Sephiroth grinned. He let her get away with taking control only because it was so endearing. "But that's besides the point. The point is," his expression darkened, "what the hell are you here for?" The question was aimed at Hojo.

"Just to get some old notes of mine," Hojo said innocently. Well, as innocent as he could get, anyway.

Zack just stood in the background. He was tired of being so secondary. But he also knew there was nothing he could do about it.

HAHAHAHA, THE POOR SUCKER. Ahem.

"That had better be all… _father,_" Sephiroth snarled mockingly and squeakingly and went into the mansion. Aerith and Zack went after him.

"What _is _with everyone?" Hojo wondered aloud.

Good question.

So anyway, that was before. Now it was inching towards 4.30 and Aerith was in the piano room, having already gone around the ground and first floors and exterminated all vermin. More accurately, she'd made Sephiroth do it. She knew that Zack was sulking somewhere, and who knew what Hojo was doing. And Sephiroth?

She smiled as he came in.

"Good to see you," she said forebodingly.

I sense a twisted scene ahead. Brace yourself.

"You're still pissed off with me?" Sephiroth said, bored. "Hey, if you have PMS, don't take it out on me."

There was a shocked silence in which Sephiroth realised his faux pas.

"I thought you held me in higher regard than thinking that _I am affected by such things,_" Aerith hissed.

Sephiroth walked two steps closer to her. Somewhere, music started playing, but he didn't notice. "But I do," he said, risking coming off as sappy.

"Oh yeah?" Aerith walked up to him. "Then say it!"

"Say what?"

"You know what."

The music kept on playing, and the darkness of the early morning hours pressed in on the room. They were only inches away now.

Nauseating, I know.

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. "If you insist… Master."

Aerith stood up on her tiptoes and gave him a mock-chaste kiss. "Then say it," she whispered in his ear.

Sephiroth figured, what the hell. "I lo-"

Suddenly the music stopped.

"JESUS CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE BOTH OF YOU!" Came the voice of… Hojo, who had been playing the piano.

Sephiroth looked positively homicidal. Aerith wasn't too far behind.

"Well," Hojo stepped from behind the piano. "There are plenty of things wrong with this scene."

"Enlighten us. And then you die."

"You," Hojo, LIVID, pointed at Sephiroth, "I raised you to be BADASS! Not to be all lovey dovey and such. And you!" He pointed at the ceiling, presumably at the omniscient Author. "Since when do YOU write romantic stuff?"

"Is that all?" Sephiroth said in a dangerously calm way.

"NO! You," he addressed Aerith angrily, "You are supposed to be sweet and submissive! Do you know what a BITCH the piano version of your theme is to learn?"

"…I have a theme?"

"YES, and I played it perfectly right now and what do you do to thank me? You become all romantic and desecrate this room!"

"Why, what happened in this room?" Aerith made the mistake of asking, and the further mistake of being curious about it.

"Nothing romantic, that's for sure! Why, that windowsill you're sitting on right now-" Sephiroth got up from the windowsill he's sat on to take a brief rest as Hojo ranted, "-is where, uh, Valentine and I, um…professed our eternal hate for each other! And then…"

He saw Sephiroth's and Aerith's wide-eyed expressions.

"I'll just go now, shall I?"

"Please do," Sephiroth said, traumatised.

They were quiet for a few minutes after Hojo had left the room.

"…And you said _I _have PMS?" Aerith asked flatly.

Sephiroth just stood there, shell-shocked. _Another reason to hate my father,_ he thought. _Nobody scares me and stays in my good books. _

_Not that I'm scared. Much. _

Just how disturbing could a mad scientist be anyway? Is Sephiroth going soft? Or am I being insensitive?

Whatever.

To be continued…

A/N: Wow, I'm more twisted than I thought. Sorry if this chapter isn't that humour-y, but this was necessary to advance the plot… and yes, there is one, if you look hard enough. XD


	14. Identity Troubles

Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII.

**Identity Troubles**

Cid was still on the bridge, chain-smoking. There were only three, maybe four, hours until landing, and frankly, he couldn't wait until this freak show was over so that he could go back to Rocket Town and piss on the neighbour's flowers, just like back in the day.

He felt a presence nearby. Thinking it was Vincent up to his tricks again, he ignored it, instead starting a game of solitaire on the airship's mainframe. It didn't last for long, for three reasons: he had a short attention span, this presence was too loud to be Vincent, and he really hated solitaire.

"Stop this $£$££$&$, Valentine, it's not £$££$£& funny any$$££$more!"

Then… he turned around. And couldn't believe what he was seeing. He blinked, just in case it was a mirage.

It was Reno, stark naked, leaning against the wall next to the door, panting and looking terrified.

"Hey, yo! Don't let him get me, zotto!"

"I am not a &$ zotto," was all Cid could say.

"…Whatever, zotto."

"What the $£ happened?" Cid brought himself to ask, dreading the answer.

"Well, you see, we were playing Spin the Bottle…" Reno stopped to look out of the doorway to check if anyone was around. Cid noticed that his stringy red hair was completely loose. It wasn't pretty.

"Well? Get the &$$ on with it."

"And there was one thing, and it led to another, and it ended up with me having to race Tseng around the ship, naked…"

"Yeah, and?"

"Halfway through the circuit we'd decided, Tseng went mad and…" Reno shuddered.

There was a weird whirring sound from outside, followed by crazy laughter and what sounded like, "Cower beneath me, mortals!"

Reno went ghost white.

"Was that him?" Cid was genuinely interested now.

"Yeah. He has a chainsaw."

"Not good."

"He thinks he's a vampire."

Suddenly Vincent appeared. "What about vampires? Wait, let me get my stake!"

"Steak?" Reno puzzled.

"Medium rare," Vincent insisted.

"What's happening to everyone?" Cid whispered, horrified. He took a few steps back, until he was next to the controls.

The overhead lights went out. Somebody cackled. Tseng appeared in the doorway.

He appeared to glide in, so graceful were his movements. His skin seemed to shine in the moonlight. The chainsaw was nowhere to be seen. It would have all been very dignified and preternatural, if he wasn't completely naked.

When he got to the centre of the room, he stopped. He was either ignoring or basking in everyone's attention. "I am Armand, the oldest vampire in the world," he announced with a flourish.

"Tseng. Stop it," Vincent tried. Maybe, vampire look-alike that some judge him to be, he could make Tseng see reason.

"Stop? Why? I have shunned the sun and now revel in the lust for blood," Tseng said and smiled evilly. "And I have a pretty vampire in my harem who has come to me for knowledge which I don't have but am merely pretending to because I want him."

"Because if you don't stop, Anne Rice will sue."

"Ah, I see," Tseng said uncomfortably. "When you put it that way… come, Reno. We have a race to finish, and I, a fair maiden to conquer. Adieu, mortals!"

With that, he went, sprinting, out of the bridge. Reno yelled out something whiny and sprinted after him.

Vincent and Cid stared at each other.

"What, in the name of everyone who hates Hojo, was _that _supposed to be?" Vincent asked.

"$£!! me if I know," Cid shrugged.

There was a pregnant pause.

"But you don't know… right?" Vincent asked, worried.

"No, Vincent, I do not, you sick &$!$&."

_OoOoOoOoOo_

Rude stared at the wall of the girls' cabin. It was a very interesting wall. It was white and had a bullet hole in it. It also had what seemed like a constantly drunk Cloud sprawled at the base of it. Rude considered whether it was worth turning Cloud over, to avoid him choking on his vomit.

It wasn't.

Nearby, Tifa, Lucrecia, Yuffie, Elena were smiling, for some reason. Those smiles frightened him. They were positively evil. And being the only conscious guy in the room didn't help things, either.

_Wait, what's Yuffie doing with that lipstick…?_

"Ruuuuuuude…" Yuffie grinned. She was coming near him with The Evil Lipstick.

Rude stood up- he'd been sitting on the bed- and started inching towards the door. He felt something in the way of progress, however. It was Lucrecia. She had a 'sorry-about-this-but-let-the-little-girls-have-their-fun' expression. She was also holding a curly blonde wig.

The Man of Few Words, aka Rude, really was nervous now. He turned to try a different escape route- only to find Tifa, who was holding a mascara wand. She gave him a flirty smile, obviously trying to win him over.

"That's it, I'm out of here," he said, and charged towards the door…

…Only to find Elena standing in front of it, with Reno's night stick and a make-up set.

"Elena, not you too?" Rude asked, resigned.

"I'm sorry, Rude, but it's for your own good…"

Seeing no way out, he gave up and let the girls have their way with him. Not like _that_.

_OoOoOoOoOo_

A while later, Tseng arrived at the cabin, wearing his uniform and the smirk of one who has won a duel. Reno came in maybe one minute later, also fully dressed, and scowling, went to sulk in the corner.

Both men didn't notice that there were five girls in the room instead of four.

"Elena, now… I have won, and so, you owe me a kiss…" Tseng said, and sat on the lap of the blonde sitting on the bed, closed his eyes, and gave her a bona fide Hollywood happy-ending kiss.

Just then, Elena came in from the bathroom.

"Hmmm, Rude really does look like you from the back, with that wig," Tifa whispered to her.

"Yeah, baby, you like that?" Tseng murmured.

"When do you think he'll notice?" Lucrecia whispered.

"I don't know, but I don't want to be here when he does," Yuffie said, giggling, "Let's get out of here."

The girls ran out of the room. Reno thought he saw Elena among them, but he was too busy sulking to notice. He decided to keep on sulking.

And he was still sulking in the corner when a bloodcurdling shriek echoed through the Highwind, almost giving him a heart attack.

_OoOoOoOoOo_

Vincent was pacing around the bridge while Cid was staring off at the sky.

"When are we getting to Nibelheim?" Vincent almost-whined in that special way of his.

"When air traffic clears up… those &&$£$&& migrating &!&£&& chickens."

"…Chickens fly?"

Before the conversation could get even more idiotic, the girls came running into the room.

"When are we getting to Nibelheim?" Tifa asked.

"$$£$ soon, patience," Cid said, losing his.

Then, they heard a scream. Vincent felt a sense of deja-vu.

"Would that, by any chance, be Tseng?"

"Yes, it would," Lucrecia informed.

"What the $£$$ happened with that $$&$£ now?"

Yuffie pretended to be preoccupied with her origami.

"Long story," Elena said.

Reno and Tseng came in. Tseng looked like he'd just been shot, and Reno wondered what the mysterious ringing sound in his ears was.

"That's the last time I drink anything," Tseng announced.

"But, sir… you're a Turk!" Elena gasped.

Everyone was quiet for a while. Vincent and Cid were wondering what the hell happened, Reno opened a can of beer, and Lucrecia started plaiting her hair.

"Is somebody going to say something?" she asked when she realised that her hair was too tangled to plait.

"…Where's Rude?" Tifa wondered aloud.

"Right here," came the Turk's voice from the doorway.

Tseng blushed and went off into the World of Bumbling Fools.

Rude wasn't wearing his wig, and the makeup was all washed off. He glared at the girls, especially Elena, and went off to assume his bodyguard stance in the corner.

"Ladies and ££$£$ 'gentle'men, we are now finally landing at our $££$£$ destination," Cid announced.

Silence again. This is becoming surreal.

"If it's any consolation," Reno said, smirking not so consolingly "I think Rude was a very pretty girl."

"Shut up," both Tseng and Rude snapped, as Vincent and Cid wondered for the millionth time what the hell had happened.

_OoOoOoOoOo_

And the moral of the chapter is: Turks, plus alcohol, plus drunk girls, plus makeup, plus spin the bottle, equals… what was the sum again?

Ah, yes. Not a good mixture. So don't try this at home, kids.

A/N: I really do like torturing Tseng. It's fun. Interview with the Vampire reference is there because I wanted to see if Anne Rice's fanfiction ban extends to references in other fandoms. And because it seemed cool at the time. Hehe.


	15. Confluence

Disclaimer: Don't own.

A/N: I'm BACK! Hope I didn't lose too many of you! I don't want to take up space here, but if you care for not-so-lame excuses, it's in my profile.

**Confluence**

5AM. Hojo was still glaring at Aerith and Sephiroth, Zack was still sulking, Sephiroth was (sexually) frustrated and high on helium, and all was well with the world. Except for the prospect of the group's eminent descent into HELL. Ahem.

"So, this is where we find Truth," Aerith proclaimed dramatically. They were standing in front of the bookcase which concealed the stairway to… the basement. (You see how I resisted the irresistible Led Zeppelin reference and ensuing metaphor? YOU SEE?)

"Yeah, whatever," Zack sulked. Sephiroth grunted. Aerith hesitated.

"Oh, for God's sake!" Hojo exclaimed, walked to the bookcase, and hit the switch.

Aerith didn't know what she was expecting: the door to open with an ominous creak, for bats to come flying out, to see a 'welcome to hell' doormat or something similar…. All the door did was to glide open defiantly.

"I took the liberty of oiling the stupid squeaky thing before I came to practice my divine piano playing," Hojo explained with a scowl. "It was really fun back in the day, but not at FIVE AM WHEN ONE SHOULD BE SLEEPING."

"Well, that was anticlimactic," she muttered. Sephiroth motioned for her to go first.

_How gentlemanly,_ she thought, and then realised that after a few steps no one was following her. She turned around and raised an eyebrow.

"So, are you going to stand there all day like sissies? Or are you going to follow me into this like real men would?"

That solved it.

"And I repeat myself: you'd make a good drills sergeant," Sephiroth grinned. He liked her ordering him around.

"Shut up."

_OoOoOoOoOo_

"Alright, people. I can't remember why the $& we're here, or what the $£$££ we're looking for," Cid announced to everyone on the Highwind. "But-"

"We're looking for Aerith," Cloud supplied.

Cid glared at the interruption. "&, so, as soon as we get off this ship, very soon, we have to- WHAT THE FUCK?"

It was such a shout that it escaped the censor. A few of the gathered miscreants jumped.

"What is it?" Tifa asked, concerned. Cid's exclamation had startled her, but since it gave her a valid excuse to cling to Vincent, and the Author an even better excuse to peruse a mini-cliff-hanger, it was alright.

Ha ha.

_OoOoOoOoOo_

"Aerith, hold my hand, it's dark and you could bump into something disgusting," Sephiroth said with a smirk at Zack and a pointed glance at a still-scowling Hojo.

"Nice try," Aerith replied dryly and carried on walking. Zack stuck his tongue out at Sephiroth, who joined Hojo with the scowling. Like father, like son, as they say…

Hojo suddenly stopped. "Hang on, I want to check something…"

"We don't have time," Aerith stated. Hojo shrugged and went off to the wall. "What- oh."

The mad scientist pushed open the door of the room that had concealed Vincent Valentine for thirty-odd years.

Aerith and Sephiroth rolled their eyes. Zack, who had no clue what this was about, just stood there with a not-so-far-from-the-usual puzzled expression.

"What are you expecting to find? Bloody claw marks everywhere? Defecation on the walls, spelling out vows of vengeance?" Aerith asked, _not_ really sarcastically. This _was_ Hojo, after all.

"Something like that," Hojo muttered as he walked around the room, peering into the coffin he'd chucked Vincent into as he passed it.

"Ooh, let's see!" Sephiroth exclaimed like a kid at a candy store.

"There's nothing to see," Hojo snarled, annoyed. "Maybe the bastard really _did_ just _sleep _for thirty years." He kicked a prone skeleton in frustration. It crumbled.

Sephiroth, his desire for the macabre not sated (that is, until Aerith would get hold of a whip) decided to channel his curiosity into different things. "How did you get him into that coffin anyway?" Both he and Aerith, intuitive beings that they were, immediately regretted that he had asked.

"Well, you know, I _am _extremely persuasive, and Valentine's ideas of 'getting a kick' were always… _unconventional_ at best…"

Zack and Aerith glared at Sephiroth as Hojo continued his elaboration. The silver-haired wannabe-god just shrugged and listened- maybe _he _would try that someday…. Thing was, Aerith didn't look too pleased at the moment…

Like father, like son, eh?

_OoOoOoOoOo_

"It's a fucking Shinra helicopter!" Cid shouted.

"What?" Elena said, puzzled.

"Don't act all innocent!" Yuffie joined in the yelling.

"No seriously, we don't know what that's doing there!" Reno said honestly. But it being Reno, no one in Avalanche believed him.

It turned to a full-scale brawl between the Turks, Yuffie, Cid, Tifa, and a newly-sober Cloud who'd joined for the lulz.

"Children! CHILDREN! Break it up!" Lucrecia screeched, but to no avail. She sighed, looking up when she felt a hand on her upper arm.

"You'll get used to it, I'm practically desensitised," Vincent monotoned. (YES it's a verb now if it wasn't before)

Across the room, Red just sighed, rolled onto his back, stared at the ceiling, and carried on blocking out the madness, just as he had been doing for the last twenty-four hours. Human whimsicality had amused him before these individuals had managed to spoil it for him.

You just gotta learn to deal, Red.

_OoOoOoOoOo_

Reeve, slumped on the floor against a bookcase, took a puff of a joint and coughed. "Dude, this is some good shit." He said, mellow. "Reminds me of those afternoons at Shinra when the executives had conferences." He laughed. "As if we ever did anything productive, Hojo would just bring his latest delightful chemical concoction from the labs and…"

"Yes, I remember" Rufus snapped, sitting straight-backed at the library's table. He wondered how some people got extremely talkative when high. "I just got back from a vacation at Icicle Inn when I picked you guys up. Their's is the _best_." He was investigating a book that looked like a trashy romance novel. A post-it that looked suspiciously like it read '_To L. With love, -H.' _was stuck on the back. Rufus dismissed it as irrelevant and carried on to the 'good' bits.

"Thanks man, those $&£$£$($$££ left us behind," Barret sighed from behind a further-off bookcase, apparently looking for something to read. _Who knew Barret was the literary kind? _Rufus mused, amused. The Author just died from happiness at having finally being able to use that rhyming phrase. And died a second death from the lameness of it.

"Why are you here, anyway, Rufus?" Reeve asked with a voice that sounded as though it had come from far, far, away.

Rufus shrugged. "Rendezvous. That's enough for you to know."

"Tha's coo', dude. Tha's coo'."

"MOTHERFUCKER!" Barret exclaimed.

"I didn't do it, no one saw me do it, you can't prove anything," Rufus said quickly. It was a catchphrase which he had used since he could talk. Now he was twenty-eight, and it still remained effective. Go figure.

"Naw man, it's just that I haven't seen I copy of _'The Odyssey' _since I was a lil' kid in Cosmo Canyon! $££$&&£, who'd have guessed?"

Who indeed?

"Wait, what was that?" Reeve said unexpectedly.

"Oh, nothing. Would you like some of the crack I brought?" Rufus countered. Manipulation got incredibly easy when you had Icicle's best at your disposal.

"Sure!"

_OoOoOoOoOo_

_Almost there, _Hojo thought, _almost there_. _Soon I won't have to put up with those idiots any longer._

They were almost at the library now. Sephiroth was dashing around with Masamune, effortlessly vanquishing the grotesque mutants which were there thanks to Hojo. Aerith, meanwhile, was at the lead, not a care in the world. The juxtaposition was enough to make Hojo go into hysterics.

"What is it now?" Zack said irritably from next to him.

Hojo was just about to reply with something biting, as would be expected of him, but was interrupted by the sound of echoing, adolescent, voices.

"What's that?" Aerith wondered aloud, frowning.

"Don't worry, you're safe with me," Sephiroth said, again smirking at Zack and going towards the sound, Masamune at the ready. He absent-mindedly killed a monster with two heads that happened to be in the way. That thing can only possibly exist for three reasons: One: Hojo was on acid. Two: The Author was on acid. Or three: The game designers were on acid. Seriously, you know the one, what the hell is up with that…thing?

"I am being scared by this creepy place," came the voice of… LOZ! from the direction of the stairway.

"Shut it, will ya?"

Hojo instantly recognized the voices, and swore. He saw the look of recognition pass over everyone else's faces, swore again, and sneaked to the library while everyone's attentions were averted.

He didn't want to be here when the place turned into Idiot Central.

_OoOoOoOoOo_

"Will you two stop your incessant quibbling?" Yazoo growled as they descended down the stairway. "Wouldn't mind buying this place…"

"Already belongs to some rich lady, stupid," Kadaj said, directing his irritable mood to Yazoo, leaving Loz to wallow in his fear of the 'icky' cobwebs. "She'd do well to renovate the place."

"Who told you anyone owns this dump, anyway? I bet you're just saying that to appear smarter," Yazoo snapped.

"Loz concurs… if she bought this place, and… and she's buying the stairway to-"

(The Author couldn't resist this time…)

"Listen to Loz for once, he's on my side!" Yazoo almost yelled, annoyance magnified by The Author. He and Kadaj were now locked in a battle of glares. Which made it hard to keep walking, but that didn't stop them.

"Well, SOR-RY, Mister Look How Great I Am Because All Of A Sudden I Have A Personality!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"No, really- the only thing you have going for you is that your hair resembles that of-"

"Big Brother," Loz whispered disbelievingly.

"Yes, see, Loz is on _my _side now, _darling Yaz- _HOLY MOTHER."

"Indeed," Yazoo muttered coolly, eyebrow raised. He smirked.

"Hello, Remnants," Sephiroth purred. "What took you so long?"


End file.
